My internship has ended, alhamdulillah.

I learnt as much as I could from it.

I am learning that maybe disappointment is not written in my stars, that I am a less than ordinary person

my heart

If i could take my heart and hold it in my hands to warm it up.
It's cold, so cold.
This world is a cold place.
And my feet are running out of ground... to escape the empty lonely spaces that I see everywhere I turn.
No-one is offering me an alternative, no-one is there.
I hear the gaping silences, my halting bravery can't fill it up.
I end, when I don't want to, but I end before you can.
This world is nothing but a place full of doubts amd fears and pain and pretence.
Pretend that everything is alright.
Can you hear time ticking on? Every second stretches on wasted.
You cannot get a handle to start steering your way through.
Why are you searching in these empty spaces?

I thought you were done.

Hope

my all time favourite phrase is:

"When one door closes, anoother opens, or a window opens."

I'll let a door close, and I'll let a window open. Breathe Khalisa.

We all need hope in dark times.

We need, well, I need, Hope.

Here's another phrase i never understood.

"If you want love, the universe will align to give you what you want."
riddle me that, doctor love, the orderer of the universe.
Cos all i want is love.
:)

if i keep quiet, will these "things" go away?

i call them things, cos i can't exactly call them worries, or difficulties, or setbacks, or like, whatever.

they exist cos i exist. it's a predilection of being me.

this shouldnt be difficult, but it is, because i am me.

and i can't tell you, cos you don't understand. you can't understand. it's the thing that will make you go huh??

pls understand me. someone?

I am physically tired, and i think it originates from my soul.

let it hurt until it doesnt matter anymore

I wonder why no-one wants me.

When I was seventeen, a boy wrote letters to me, silly messages of admiration, funny poems, left shyly on my seat, pinned on the class noticeboard in bravado.

We chatted online, we shared jokes and thoughts and opinions. But he never really talked to me in real life, except to gaze lingeringly at me.

I was waiting for him to say that he liked me, to make it real. he didn't, and 2 years later he just stopped talking to me. He just stopped.

In university, there is this boy who blushes when he talks to me, who sends me home, who carries my stuff for me and listens to my troubles. I don't feel a thing for him. He has never told me he liked me.

There's another guy who took a passing interest in me,and asked me out on a few dates, but I grew to dislike his personality, and avoid him conscientiously now.

My best guy friend tells me there is someone for me because i am kind and thoughtful and patient.

And then there's this wonderful and sweet boy. we stay up late to chat. he asks me out for lunch and dinner and to study. he tells me knowing me is the best thing that has happened to him in university, that im interesting and funny and cute and angelic and that is a dangerous combination. he's the one i want to run to when im troubled. he eases my troubles, and i know i can count on him to be there.

he has a girlfriend. he has never told me he likes me.

i've stopped being close friends with him, because it was the only way i could go on, sane and with my self-respect intact

Guys seem to take a passing interest in me, but no-one stops long enough to really want me and stay with me, and take my hand and make it real.
and i wonder why that is.

i feel like crying when i see a couple, because it seems like something i will never have. inside me i feel there is a river of sorrow, and everytime i fall and hope, the river fills up again.

im 22 now. and i feel old, so much older than the girl i was at 17, when i fell in love and longing for the first time.

i pray that the river inside me hardens

chin up

don't you know that you don't have to be sad?
that you don't have to feel sorry for yourself?
that happiness is a choice, that doesn't depend on other people,
it depends on yourself?

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

Choke

"if you don't have something to fight for, then it's only something to fight against.

show me something better than this."

prima facie unfair

this situation,
is prima facie unfair.
i'm applying to set it aside or have it dismissed,
on policy reasons of friendship and comity,
and in the interest of all parties involved.
and most of all because it's unjust,
unjust to me.
but if a dismissal is to much to ask,
hear my other prayer for a stay,
till amendments can be made,
to my heart and my hopes,
for a more appropriate nature of claim.
don't ask me for further and better particulars,
if i tried to go on a discovery of what's really going on.
it's an adventure that would never stop,
never end,
never have a plain and obvious outcome.
aside from plain and obvious personal hurt.
and if you grant the opposing side a writ for seizure,
remember he's got his garnishee,
remember that i ahve only me,
and my little dignity, and my little pride,
whatever that amounts to in the face of the court.
i am not defenceless,
empower me,
hear my prayer,
grant me strength,
give me extension after extension,
as long as i keep backsliding on this addiction.
im addicted to this....this this,
and isn't it clear,
that it's prima facie unfair?

don't pine over what you can't have

i am a lucky girl.

i have loving parents, who are pretty stable and supportive.
i love my kind, gentle and thoughtful father. i love my mother just for the fact that she's my mother and she always wants the best for me.

i have good friends, old and new. they are not perfect, but they care about me. they care about my feelings, and my worries, and they help me when they can, and tolerate the best they can my failings.

i don't have a boyfriend. i dont have someone who loves me, who i can tell everything, who shares the same dreams, and speak wonderful words of love and commitment and mean them.

but i have a heart, and i have dreams. i am just a girl. i have my strenghts and weaknesses and everyday i learn how to be better. i am going to be good, so that when that perfect someone falls into my life, i will be good enough for him.

sometimes i think it's dangerous to have dreams like this, because love is not perfect, and there is no such thing as the perfect guy.

i am a lucky girl.

and lucky and hopeful is enough for now.

Life goes on... alone

i have lots of things to do.
I choose to be happy being alone.
I choose to be happy with my tons of work.
I decide to be happy, no matter what happens to the people around me, even though I care too much. I make my own decisions

me and my fantasies.... (:

i have nothing to fear, anymore. it's out there, as much as it can be without hurting anyone.I am morally vindicateddddd. like the song.

back to my harmless fantasies.

back to work, business as usual.

im free. I AM FREE :)

Khalisa says:
look
just now i watched a show
it was called the Moment of Truth
it's a real show
and the contestants had to answer questions from friends
and the friends could ask them anything they wanted to know
you can ask me something
but if you don't want to, then you don't want to know and that's fine too
-KuoPing says:
haha
we are good as we are
no need to ask
i have nothing to ask at least
Khalisa says:
okay :)
-KuoPing says:
i know wad i need
nothing more
Khalisa says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slXOzhsKoVQ
it's funny

easier to lie

i had every intention of being completely honest yesterday.

but i know you don't really want to hear, and i don't have the courage to say something you don't really want to hear and i don't really want to say. i think the job is done though. you understand where the boundaries are, and what i am concerned about. don't be wilfully blind anymore.

we have an understanding. im sure of it.
so no you, and no chiraphol in week 10.

i know exactly what's going

YOU--

definitely like me, and think i am cute. i am very endearing to you.

you enjoy my company. you certainly dont mind it. you want to be with me

you don't have passionately for your girlfriend. i represent something different, new exciting.

let's zoom out further to see more clearly.

you know at the back of your mind that it will be difficult to ever be with me.

i will be objective

what you and your girlfirend have, has lasted for 5 plus years. that, in and of itself, is precious. it's almost like growing up together. she's probably your habit by now, a part of yourself. being apart from her is probably like tearing something off yourself.

i dont have 5 years. i've got nothing on me. i am just me.

just me. i am all that i have, while you have her.

don't you see?

I received some really good news in the mail from Austin I Pulle yesterday, and i felt happier. 9 day extension! I love him.
What's even happier is that I'm staying home to do work today. Although my mum was not so happy. I can't please, just because I'm me, and she's her. I won't feel guilty.
What will make me even happier is if today is a productive day, and tomorrow I go to school and meet my friends and have a happy day.
2 days ago I was so down in the dumps I considered compromising what I feel. Now I feel different.

I feel new. If I can't make a new friend, then I will be my own brand new friend.
It's time to depend on me for happiness.

:)

i'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly

it's hard to make myself believe that I'd rather be awake when I'm asleep,
Cos nothing is ever as it seems.

i want to be in a relationship. i want someone to be mine.

SO. what else is new hahaha.

500 days of Summer is a good movie. I'm ready to move on.

mid term break resolutions

1) finish my ethics paper

2) start on finance research

3) print out and study finance for the rest of the term

4) start on commercial conflicts paper

5) clear up my commerical conflicts backlog for week 5-7 and week 9.

6) go for kayaking and enjoy it.

7) time--waste not, want not

finance miderms

so, wednesday. I had alot of things going on. But i got through it ok, i think.

i got through this hell week. only left with finance midterms tmr. gonna study till quite late tonight. Maybe 4 am? then wake at 7.45 tmr and OFF I GO for my finance midterms! 20% dun play play hor. i wanna do well....

after that, will read for evidence midterms.

ok time to focus. hopefully all goes well tmr.

to change, to be ready to grow again

i had a very very hard week last week.
funny how i didn't blog all through my struggle.
i had a mother painful mouth ulcer but luckily it's healing. i got alot of pimples around my mouth area but i think they're fading. my two good friends were miserable and made me miserable as well. i got really angry at my guy friend.

but this week is a new week, and next week is recess week! and, i saw the email guy twice this week. that's a good sign, right? I want him. Magic blog, you've been helping me. when i wanted to start praying, you helped me. when i wanted to learn how to print properly, you helped me. you helped me when i was absent-minded. please help me get my first boyfriend. i want this guy. somehow he lost interest in me, but i want him back. i know i don't have all the time in the world to make my move, but please keep him free until i figure out the best strategy. i've never really wanted anyone. i was never courageous enough to out myself up for rejection. but i think, it would be ok to want this guy, and to get rejected by him. to hope, to want for real.

i was foolish. i will always be foolish. but take care of me for i am never wise. the foolish must have luck on their side and you are my lucky magic blog.

i miss my father. why doesnt he reply my emails??? why? why? is he angry with me?

i'm a hazard to myself...so don't let me get me...

I have lots of bad days.

I am not tired. Strangely I feel safe.

I should stop wasting money.

i spilled some nasty strong smelling thing today, got my mother really angry, and had to clean up the big time mess.

Funny what snaps you out of your funk. Selamat Hari Raya :)

there are things

there are things that you can tell me without telling me anything.

there are things i will keep unsaid.

there are things that are beyond my ability, my understanding, my courage to overcome

there are things that i can instill and changes i can make in myself.

there are good intentions, plans and action.

there is reflecting and learning from the past.

there is trying, and more trying, and more trying.

but is there redemption? is there a way to fix the mistakes you made because you didn't know any better? a way for the squandered opportunities to come around again?

even if there isn't, there is life, and it goes on.

it goes on, my friend.

you say i can always let it go. what you don't know is that most of the time i don't say what i mean, i dont act how i feel, i dont look how i am, i dont do what i want.

so much so it feels like my physical self is a separate being from my mental self. everytime i let it go, i let something else go, another link between my spririt and my body, and when the soul is detached from the self, isn't that not living? isn't that not living?

one day i will find something for real. one day i will hurt, and i will love, and i will lose, i will be rejected and i will have. someone will tell me something real, and it may not be pretty, and not ideal, but it will be real. one day i will stop being a pretence, and my soul will actually run in my blood, and in my limbs and the air that i breathe and everyone will see that i am real, not a caricature, flawed and detestable, and ambitious and selfish, and greedy, and prideful, and most of all irrritating, and i will be glad. i will be glad. i want to live in my own skin, and be happy when i look at myself in the mirror.

i dont want to be a character. i dont want to be the person you have in your mind anymore. cast me out into the cold and look at me. do any of you really see me?

If this blog is kind of a magic blog, then let me say it here--I will NOT make any more mistakes in printing my notes. It's a waste of PAPER, TREES and most of all MY MONEY. I should treasure my money more. Each printing means money, and has to be done carefully.

Okay.

I could get used to Tuesday Adzfar sightings. That guy seriously has the most cheerful and smiley face I have seen, eventhough I do not what his heart really holds. I think i will be quite heartbroken when he gets attached, but for now let me enjoy watching him from afar :)

sometimes it helps to know i'm not the only one who feels like this.
I feel really alone sometimes. Like alone because I'm Alone, and Alone eventhough i'm not alone.

Riddle me that, roger rabbit.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO GIVE HER WHOLE HEART TO A BOY WHO CAN BE TRUSTED WILL KEEP IT SAFE FOREVER?

where are you. where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you this boy with a heart made of gold who will keep my imperfect heart safely in his COME OUT NOW.

in other news, i have competencies and cover letter to do, a test to study for on weds and thurs, and a skeletal to submit by friday.

nothing is as important as finding that Boy With a Golden heart

i can't quite put my finger on a time when i, became like this.

i don't wanna know that lover at my door, if he's just another heartache on my list

I want to be who I am chasing what I want, with no regrets

will you indulge in your sadness?

there's a vast expanse of barren, empty space in my heart that i'm always trying to ignore. Either one day someone will bring the flowers and the greens and the colour into it, or i will just get used to that vast empty loneliness.

Both options seem equally unlikely.

That's life, i guess.

i am tired and i miss you

or maybe i just miss simplicity.

No regrets

what you can NEVER EVER do is regret yuor decisions. What's done is done and cannot be undone.

Have faith girl.Just because you let this one go doesn't mean you'll be lonely for the rest of your life. Someone better will come along

Buoyant

It feels like floating on your back in the gentle early morning light, in a lake or infinite swimming pool, without a care in the world, with the gentle coolness of the water under your body lapping at your side and the sun's warm glow on your skin, with that undefined blank blueness above you, a cloudless sky, and all you hear is silence, and what you wish to hear. You feel for a moment at peace, and safe in your solitude. Close your eyes or open your eyes it doesn't matter, move your limbs or not it makes no difference. Your in between, and the world surrounds you with its secrets.

The dawn of Saturday

I terawih-ed for the FIRST time in the mosque today. I didn't really concentrate too much, but it really felt great. I will do it again next friday, or when the fancy strikes me. Beats watching boring movies. :) I like solat

I've been having an influx of random guys in my life lately. Maybe there's a reason for all this. I CERTAINLY didn't go looking for it. That Adzfar guy even asked me where I had been hiding all this while. I know he's not the one for me. So what exactly is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from him? Or Pravin? Or Kuo Ping?

Maybe that I'm really a girl's girl, and that's sufficient for the moment, until the guy God has for me, who I'm sure will have a heart and soul made of gold, appears in my life.

Week 3 has been slightly better than Week 2. And now i REALLY need to prepare to start Week 4 off with a BANG :)

Evidence Law here I come.

here's to a productive night

Preparing and finishing all my notes for week 3 of conflicts. Must read mother allot of mother long cases.

I will not go onto msn

how could it be that i made a mistake in the photocopying?
i suck.

Will participate in FT later.

the first thing you want never comes.

i want to talk to you so much that it hurts sometimes. Talk to me. Please, please talk to me. i don't need anything else, if you'd talk to me again.

I'm pathetic.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new week. Don't screw this up, like you screw everything up, again and again.

Same old failures and missed chances.

Week 2 owned my ass. When will I ever own a week's ass I wonder?

I think next week I will try to own the week's ass . I will offer participation for Monday's evidence class. In fact, from now on, I will prepare with a view to participate in class and make notes for exam. That will be the priority, instead of breadth. Then, I will offer participation for FT. And lastly, I will participate in Friday's conflicts. Answer the easy questions, just like Lujia.

On to Week 3! Oh ya must start revising for the 20 question test in Week 4 already.

let's review, shall we?

I want answers. I want truth. I want him. But not as much as I want the past, as I used to be able to want. I want to stop feeling like I cannot have what I want.

I'm tired. I am oh, so, very tired. This in addition to worrying about grades, about school load, about friends, about internship and pupillage.

I am thinking having someone there would make it all so much easier.

I want someone to lean on, someone who will make it better, who will support me.

I want to be doing the right thing. But what does that mean exactly? If someone could tell me.

She says his poison. She says stay away from him. She spills words like it's easy when all i want to do is cry.
He says i am mature and composed, and he gives me kudos, when all i want to do is cry.
She says she'll never think badly of me, and my situation is like a taiwanese drama, and i want to is cry.
She says i need to tell the truth, just do it it's easy, and all i want to do is cry.

You whisper words, words, and more words, and all i want to do is cry bitter tears at the sweetness of it all.

I'm poisoned, I'm dying before you, you don't know, when you throw that hurt.

i prayed in school today. :) it brought me a little peace.

I am doing the right thing. I don't want to lose a friend.

i don't want to be like this, this uptight girl who can't let lose because she is not confident of herself. Who can't let go of the past. Who is not open to new people

another random about banal stuff

How is it possible that second week of readings for Conlifcts is harder than the first week?
(confession: secretly i like conflicts)

Well I like it alot more than evidence that's for sure. Life-threatening decision: Tan Boon Heng or David Lee for evidence? My oh my i have to decide by 8 am tomorrow!

My social life is good. It satisfies me.

Gonna go for a short jog in about 1 hour.

Thank heavens for lockers.

Anger under my eyelids, around my throat and on the tip of my tongue

You choose to treasure money over comfort, over humanity and over your relationship with your daughter.
That's your choice. I don't want to ever discuss money with you, so don't ever say a word about it to me again or I will just step out of the house. My patience is only THAT much.

My photocopying is still all over the place.
I havent started reading for week 2 of Evidence and Conflicts.
I havent bought a financial calculator.
I feel very estranged from Teresa.

Cheers to the start of Week 2

the first week of school is owning my sorry ass

Things that went badly:

Behind in my readings. Struggling and falling behind for commercial conflict of laws readings.
Didn't read for ethics, totally couldn't answer the prof's questions.
Made a bad impression (and only impression) on the Evidence Law prof. Must stop hating his guts and his sissy little voice too.
Did not speak up and pick up participation points for Finishing touch.
Gave Pravin the cold shoulder and is considered a friendly neighbourhood slave by him.
Ran away from Kuo Ping, sent him some unfriendly messages and ignored him online.
So I added him back online after giving myself "mental reinforcements".
Miss Kuo Ping, scared of losing his friendship.
My photocopying is all over the place.

Things that went well:
Do not have to bother with tomorrow's finance readings.
Still awake at this time.
Two more lessons. I can do this. I can clean up my act and end on a good note.

cutting loose is hard.

Sometimes I think I'm losing colour, I'm fading away.
If I'm not free to feel, then what is left of my essence. If i mute myself, then how do I find my voice? Where does the song in my heart go? How does my heart find a rhythm to keep beating to? Where will my dreams take me, and how do my hopes get pinned?

Most importantly, how will I be happy?

I believe I will. I have to find happiness in the simple things, in the real things, and not try to grasp for things beyond my reach.

It can be done. Sometimes I will feel like crying and giving up, sometimes I will reach the end of my patience and self-discipline, but I won't. I am cutting loose because I want to protect myself. It can be done.

I'll take it one step at a time.

Because this feeling too, shall pass

it's going to be alright, girl

In the coming term, I am going to focus all my efforts and thoughts and emotions into my studies.
I'm going to give it all I've got. I know I can do this. I know I can do better. I am going to bring my A-game, and I'm not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way.

I am going to do right by myself.

Lazy Monday, so I'm going for a lazy run :) And then a lazy shower, and then a lazy time reading up for school and then some lazy tuition.

:) this is as good as it's gonna get

i don't mind. i do mind.

i do not mind if you do not reply my sms.
i do not mind if u do not reply me on msn conversations.
i do not mind if u cancel a meting with me, or decline an invitation to go out or watch a movie.
i do not mind if you tell me you're tired, or sleepy, or busy or going out with your girlfriend or guy friends or internship friends

i do not mind those. in fact, i welcome rejection from you. please reject me more.

i do mind if you sms me at night and in the wee hours of morning.
i do mind when u call me late at night, for no solid purpose other than to ask me nonsensical questions, just because you can't sleep.
i do mind when you call me three times, to finally ask me out in the end.
i do mind when u ask me to watch movies and do not include anyone else in the asking list.

i do mind these things. i wish you would stop doing it.

i dont mind that we chat till 3 in the morning.
i dont mind that we share the same likes, find the same things funny and understand each other.

i do mind that i like you too much, not only as a friend.

i do not mind the fact that i can never win in this game

you don't know me

there are fantasies, and there is reality.

reality always wins.

always.

another one of those things i should know well and good by now

spoke too soon

So today i got screwed, and the way i see it, totally not my fault.
.
.
.
Totally, ok?

My white gold and diamond earring fell off while in the gym shower and although i spent about 10 minutes with my face close to the floor (naked as well as otherwise) all i found was the back part and not the front part, which is strange cos the back part is 10 times smaller and 10 times less shiny.

I love those earrings, ok! I would've worn them for the rest of the summer, and for the rest of the first semester too. Do u know the heartbreak a girl goes through when she loses diamonds, especially diamond with sentimental value? i almost hyperventilated when i thought of those diamonds lying in mud and filth somewhere.

this is not my fault. it just happens to me. i get screwed just becasue my name is Khalisa. Same goes for those Shook Lin & Bok cards.

You would think that after 21 years of living, and finally realising that life is out to get you, i'd be more careful and watch my back more.

Sigh.

feeling normal

i feel devoid and empty of thoughts and feelings. not depressed, not tired, not confused, not extremely happy, or feeling peaceful or anything. i just feel normal.

i guess im not used to feeling normal. i keep thinking that im gonna think something that will lead me to feeling something which will then lead to doing something, whether good or bad. in the next moment.

nope. feeling perfectly normal. wonder how long this will last???

Believer

You say it to yourself and to any who might ask; You are a believer. But how just how much do you live in your faith and practice what you profess? What do you believe, and when you've decided, just how much does it mean to you? If it does not mean enough to be lived by, the tenets and pillars of your belief reflected and affirmed in your actions and daily habits, what does it reflect of yourself?

Hypocrite? Or just..weak? Weak of flesh, a human being struggling and forgetting in this world?

I am weak. I am infirm, I break my promises to God and I make them again when i need God's help. I forget to be thankful for everyday alive and whole, i always see what i lack and not what He has blessed me with.

I can only ask for his Forgiveness, and keep trying as long as by his will, i keep breathing, and hoping, and trying to be good.

it's never too late to be what you might have been
- George Elliot

First Day of Internship and I am having a quarter life crisis

And today she told us not to be too angsty about the future, and things will happen. You have to START somewhere.

The future is happening as we speak, and I am really unprepared. I just want to get better grades, and why is that so hard?

Next semester, it is DO OR DIE.

I wish I could stop liking him. And caring about him. And feeling cared for by him.

One day you stop, and realise most of your life is a lie, and you think your going to drown in all your lies.

Hm.

Do I have weird ideas sex? I don't want to have sex before marriage. That's all. That's not an idea is it? It's more like a stand.

But what if...

What if I wait till marriage and sex with my husband is not that great but I don't know any better cos I've never had any other experience and thus I can't help him to make sex better and in general i don't know how to be good in bed as a woman? that kind of situation arising from lack of knowledge would just be a shame. Imagine if my future husband is equally chaste. it would debilitate things.

Is it possible that having prior sexual experience will make sex with your husband better, as good as it can possibly be?

WHY do I not want to have sex before marriage anw? why do i think it's so bad and somehow sacrosanct? Is it tied to religion or the way I was brought up? Maybe...maybe i think im already so bad and sinful that if i do have sex, God will somehow not forgive me. turn his back on me maybe

But it does cross my mind in fleeting moments. Like Marie said, I need a touch to tell me I'm real. I've never even held anyone's hand romantically. That is kind of just sad.

Everyone needs touch don't they? i get it now. I don't want sex. I want someone to touch me in love and in a way that says he thinks i'm beautiful and he wants to take care of me.

Like that's ever going to happen.

What I can't remember
Is a lot like water
Trickling down a page
Of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
On the moment that I became like this

I shrink down to nothing
At the thought of someone really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
And tangled up in winding weeds

These hands that I hold behide my back
Are bound and broken from my own doing
And I can't feel anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real

My soul
It's dying to be free
I can't live the rest of my life so guarded
It's dying to be free
It's up to me to choose
What kind of life I lead

'Cause, I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
Every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all

everyone in my life

Dear Family,
I would like you to support me sometimes. I am trying as best as I can, but I do not really know how to control the world, and I really need your support to help me once in a while

Dear Friends,
Thank you for being my friends, and being such great company. I really have no complaints. My life in school will be alot more miserable without you.

Dear random person,
I do not really care about what you care about, but thanks for wanting to hang out with me and giving me a lift in your cool ride.

Dear Kor Kor,
I cant hate you. I cant love you either. But we can be friends, cos you're a very very good guy.

Dear people in the working world which I am hoping to enter,
Please accept me into the fray. I may not be sophisticated enough, but I certainly am trying to get there.

"flick the switch?"

if you can't be honest about what you feel, then you really aren't honest about your life.
and it's not my problem if you can't be honest. i refuse to let it be my problem, to affect me and get me down.

i want to live my life as truely as possible, and i can't, not really, if you're in it the way you are. we've been friends, it's been great, we've used each other, you've helped me. thanks for the ride, but this is where im getting off, gradually.

what it comes down to:

I want someone who's emotionally honest.

i would like to stop thinking so much

i am desperate not to be left alone with the thoughts that run tiredly around and around in my mind, hobbling and cobbling along whenever i have a bit of free time, in the train or the bus.

it's like my brain won't shut up. i find that rather irritating. i find myself irritating.
i find my sugar cravings irritating.

i have issues

i like to think im a blank slate, never having been hurt or had my heart broken. But lately im starting to realise that maybe i have issues.

i cant seem to accept any guy who seems to take an interest in me, or even accept the idea that a normal good guy would take an interest in me.

First reaction is Denial. Then Suspicion. Then Distrust and Unconscious Negativity about the guy. Then being Purposely Oblique, playing it cool, frustrating the guy away. this is usually accompanied by Subtle rejection and avoidance.

Andy. Pravin. Maybe Zi qian, and John.

What's wrong with me? I think it's that i do not believe in happy endings. maybe, i don't even believe in love, and everything i ever said about it to anyone who would listen, was like telling a tale from the imagination in my mind.

Do my parents love each other? Is that what love is? My sisters and their screwed up boyfriends. All of them, i know they're settling.

My mother. i cant seem to remember if she ever showed affection to me when i was young. i remember her in her room. i remember her in the kitchen. i always remember her as if she was in the distance when i was young. funny now i think about it. i dont remember her arms around me, or her lips in my hair or her body close to mine. even now...i have this vague feeling she doesnt really, really actually love me that much.

i remember my father. my childhood memories of him are closer, and in different places. i rmb the orange light in the room where he slept and i would ask to sleep in his room, in the spare bed. i rmb nights on the mattress in front of the TV accompanying him watch football. i rmb waiting for him after school. him in the car, the supermarket, the coffeeshop with the pisang goreng, in the hospital, giving me my medicine.

but how come i dont rmb touches? i dont rmb anyone picking me up, or hugging me or kissing me or playing with me tenderly. kids get those right? how come i dont remember?

i don't remember. and now it's like ive forgotten. ive forgotten how to trust, and believe, and how to not be scared, and defensive. Mostly i think ive forgotten how to hope courageously, and not falsely.

"people only accept the love they think they deserve"

got the quote above from softapples' blog. i've heard of it before, and it struck me then. she really is a wonderful sounding girl and i do wish i was her friend.

but i digress. the quote.

the reason it strikes me is that i dont trust it, and yet a soft voice in my head whispers that it may just be true and i would do well to live by it. i deserve love, and not just any love. i deserve a great kind of love.

hmm. that just plain makes your heart smile doesnt it? :)

today was a great day. talked alot, sold a few, enjoyed looking at beautiful women. and some men. told the cute uncle he was cute, and meant it from the bottom of my heart. i really experienced how women pig out. like seriously pig out.

he was on my mind alot today, and i considered sms-ing him, but i didnt. i considered calling him, but i didnt either. it's not such a big loss... I'm getting better. (i think.) it's just that this little heart of mine gets lonely. but i have this diary, and im as truthful as i can be in this diary, and you know what? im thinking it helps.

i was jogging just now. first round i saw this couple with the guy having his arm around the girl's waist. second round, the girl was wiping tears and throwing tissues onto the floor, (which was already littered with tissues), in an exasperated manner.
intrigued, i ran one extra round, and the couple was gone, but the tissues were still there. being in love (or troubled in love) does not make you a more considerate person. people in love do tend to be in their own little world.

im seriously considering buying the thigh and tummy trim slimspa thing. imagine if i had slimmer thighs. buying skirts and pants would definitely be easier.

Words

i feel like im living in between the lines

Andy Hong

A while ago (3 years? 4 years? Does it really matter anymore?) I asked you why my name never appeared in your blog. And you replied, "You don't take up space in my blog cos you occupy double space in my heart".

So here it is. Your name in my diary, one whole post titled in the honour of your name, in the hope you will fade away from my heart. You're a tale now, like a story in a children's book written in the past tense, full of glossy colours on a flat surface, memories you look at running your hand over the pictures, touching nothing except for the smooth cold surface of a book. You're a chapter that's passed, and I guess you will never appear to twist the plots and save the day in the chapters that follow.

What a chapter that was, but characters in a story are none the wiser for the way they touch the reader.

i'm afraid im one of those people who take life seriously.

you have only one life don't you? and you're living it every second. who's going to wonder about the best way to live your life if not yourself?

and i do wonder.

how to be better, how to stop wanting to be better, how to just be, how to be happy, who's going to give me the answer, who's going to be the answer, where and what the truth is, how to be truthful and courageous and mostly, how to be better, and happier.

so i do wonder. does this mean im too serious?

i seriously (haha) don't think so. cos i know how to laugh and have fun.

i laugh, i have fun when i can, i smile when i can, but mostly, i just try, it's all i can do.

confuddle

sometimes i really really wonder if i will ever be in love again, or if all this pretending is going to catch up on me.

i want so badly to believe, because i know it's such a powerful feeling, like being on performance drugs. i want to believe i can have that, someday, and that a love like that will last forever, that you can have that enhanced,essential feeling for as long as you are in love. but logically, i dun think that's possible, and that's where the unknown starts isn't it? Cos i know the rush, but i don't know what happens after. will it be a good thing, but in a different way? or just plain different, faded away and not so good? does it mean that you shouldn't start off so intense and in love, but just find someone you can really get along with and depend on, just for the long haul stability sake?

What the hell am i talking about, actually? i dont even think i'll make it on the starting line.

logically, i have to get attached/married someday right? cos im nota super ambitious independent and driven woman who finds fulfillment in a career and is okay being alone. but at the same time, i just can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because i cant imagine myself with anyone at all. does this person who is supposed to be my companion, partner and soulmate even exist?

"You ever heard the expression 'The best things in live are free?' Well that expression is true. Every once in a while, people step up they rise above themselves sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard but if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

job and money

i am working in this promoter job, and it kinda sucks, but i guess im learning to tolerate it and the pay isnt bad. Would i prefer a job where i'm running around and carrying heavy things and doing housekeeping? (read: daiso). Not necesssarily. I just wish i had better luck with the customers. But again, it's out of my control. Or is it? Hmm.

Anw, as with jobs like this, you can't wait for the pay to come in.

I want to buy:

1)Formal shirts, skirts, and pants. Long sleeved and short sleeved, more white shirts.
2)A good pair of high heels or court shoes.
3)A dress for Tere's birthday.
4)SD white (hehe) for myself. Gammahydroxy for mum. Pay mum's $50.
5)Money to give Diana and Dingjiao a treat.
6)Bra.
7)A gift for lesley (budget: $20-$30)
8)Pay for my 20 km run.
9)Movies! Last house on the left, 500 days of summer, Inglourious Basterds, Up!
10)With money left over, an MP3 player

Sigh :) Maybe I will stick with the job after all. And try my best to do better.

thank you, God

Alhamdulillah.
i got the AGC internship. It couldn't have come at a better time. I am going to treasure it and make the best of the experience because i am pretty sure divine intervention helped me get the internship.

i know to some, the last sentence i just typed is ridiculous and laughable, but i just like to think that Allah is on my side, ok? Everything happens or a reason and all that. This philosophy comes in handy when things are out of your control.

Wow. 15 minutes later and she's still at it. Airing her grievances. Lucky im lisening to youtube at fullblast or my patience wouldn't have made it. Savage garden nice lyrics :)

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection

But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined

She's saying, Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream

Mummy

Dear Mak,
Why don't you cut me a break sometime. You're never happy, and i am sick of it. See things in a different way, take another point of view why don't you. Too bad all you can see is how right you are all of the time. You. Right, right, right rightright and we're always wrong. All other kids are better than you're own. We are always selfish. You are always victimised. If i have to hear the same tired thing one more time I really think I will vomit. Cut me a break. Take a break from your tired complaints at the same time! Things aren't as bad as you always, always think.

I know this is completely childish and mean-spirited, but tolerating you makes me miss Bapak so much more.

because life is about to become more boring, it will become more interesting

i am finally tired of waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet.
I'm tired.
I am gonna give myself a chance to have someone. Someone for me, someone who can belong to me and i to him. not shadows, not ghosts, not guilt. No more. I know i deserve more than that.

Where is this person, who will absolve me?

How to be happy

If you must be, be happy
If you must choose, choose laughter.
And throw away all in your heart that is bitter.
If you feel like the darkness is closing in,
Dun try to run, just close your eyes, do this simple thing
And find a place in ur memories that is bright
Sooner or later your heart will feel light
Freed from burdens, troubles and worries,
Even those insecurities.
And you'll find that there's nothing to it, to be happy
And you'll see that you really are lucky.

sometimes, you just do not know what you're doing

ditto.

but i thinkkk
as long as you know what you're doing more times than the moments you just do not know, it's okay right?

right?

it's all i can hope for in my situation anyway. im tired of self-restraint and dulling the edges

wandering thru a poorly-lit botanical gardens

I was really happy for a long time today. Really satisfied and peaceful, and just, happy :). this is the kind of feeling you want to capture in a bottle and lock in ur heart and mind to get you through all the other times. A happiness that is so tangible it surrounds and envelops you in a feeling of well-being like a protective coat, so real you can almost cut through it with a knife.

And so i wonder, is this what it takes to be happy? Playing childhood games barefoot on the field, slip sliding on the wet grass, laughing and shouting our joy, rolling around in mirth, like children. Lujia called it "playing hard".

I know what else gives me this feeling. You used to. Every letter you wrote, every msn conversation we had, and the time you held my hand. Gave me this feeling.

I am sosososos glad i found it back, one slice, for one moment today.

is there any such thing as a white lie?

i am capable of lying to save face.
i am capable of lying to my heart.
i am capable of lying about how i really feel.

solat

now all i need to do is keep 5 times a day :)

i can do it.

coming to terms with the "situation"...a true kinship

i know i sound pretentious in the above title.
but ironically, for once, for once i don't think im lying to myself at all.

because this really is true, he is in my mind, my dear adopted brother. We're so alike, and we get along so well, we must have been separated at birth :D i feel i can always count on him, when i am unhappy, like an older brother.

(but i'll still have to tell him someday what lesley advised me. that would really be breaking the sound barrier)

I REALLY WUFFFFF TERESA YAP KIAT WOON.

guilty feet have got no rhythm

i am unable to withstand hunger. I should find that equilibrium though.

I want to be like Rumo, who thinks that just the right amount of hunger will keep him alert and lean and strong. Rumo is a fighter with integrity and he is self-reliant, independent and proud.

He finds his silver thread in the form of a girl Wolperting named Rala, and then he suddenly becomes unsteady and aware of the society around him. He reels. He doesnt even know what hit him, but that he has been searching and following this silver thread. He knows it's powerful.

Kind of like me, when i didnt know what hit me. Except that he doesnt get his strenght from the silver thread, whereas everything about me-- my love of poems, letters, romance, philosophy, metaphors and happiness-- comes from him.

Does it? i dont remember liking it before i met him. But i did use to love reading.

Anyway, back to Rumo. For Rumo, the silver thread (who happens to be Rala) is extremely important, even though it is not immediate and essential in his life. He has so many of struggles to go through in society. Rights and duties, fitting in, fighting his battles, learning social skills. But it is apparent that he would drop all that and leave Wolperting if Rala wanted it. Because Rala is his silver thread, the one who makes him reel and become unsteady, his raison d'etre, the reason he is in Wolperting and society. When he signed the document with the mayor, he signed it because the mayor told him his silver thread was in Wolperting.

He knew he loved her before he met her. And now that he has found her.

I wonder how the rest of the story will unfold.

It's that simple isn't it? Love. We all know we have a silver thread no matter who we are and what we are doing. If we find the silver thread, we have found the reason.

how to be a good person on the inside?

i know i will do the right thing,
but it would be nice if i could feel the right thing to go along with it.

i will take lesley's advice on the dummy's guide to making ur heart catch up with your brain

no luck

when all you have is time, and no luck at all, it seems that what you wanna do sometimes is just crawl into a hole and hide. i am trying, but nothing is happening.

love's divine

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Solat

so what exactly am i waiting for?

You LAZY, UNGRATEFUL, HYPOCRITICAL person

Megan Fox. She's... dare i say intriguing?

Dance, Subaru

Gosh, im so envious of Miyamoto Subaru. First of all, she's beautiful. She's cool and strong and at the same time able to feel so strongly that she loses herself. And lastly, she knows exactly what she's supposed to do in her life. And she is able to perform when she is like suffering and in pain. So much conviction, really. And she doesn't pine after any guy. Cos she finds beauty and meaning in what she loves to do.

So cool gosh. Subaru is my screen idol and Marie is my voice idol.

Sometimes i'm so envious of beautiful women but sometimes i think it's just as great to be able to appreciate beauty.

The oracle of Delphi: Know Thyself

so that you may live the life you were meant to live...

:D

I won't give up.

Dear God,

I make some changes in my life, if only You will allow things to go my way this time.


please

a knot in my throat. closing in on my heart

i keep thinking that someday, everything will fall into place and i will be as happy as i need to be.

in my wildest most hopeful dreams, someone will walk into my life and he'll be as perfect as can be and we could share all our thoughts and find each other equally captivating and beautiful.

in my dreams, i would be...me only different. I would be in control, confident, everything I admire in other people, I would be who I'm supposed to be: a smart eloquent lawyer. It would be natural and I wouldn't feel like an impostor. I would be that capable grown-up woman.

in my dreams, I would have everything I wanted that i worked hard for. Good at exams, presentations are a breeze, a group mate that you can rely on. Someone not to be overlooked. I would never feel like a failure, never have to swallow that bitter pill.

in my dreams, i am kind, i will not find it difficult to do the right thing, i am peaceful and honest and a good Muslim.(Like, close to God)i do not indulge in frivolous things. i do not care about opinions of people who mean nothing.

In my dreams, I do not have moments of pure panic, where there is a knot in my throat, where my heart seems to be closing in and sinking under pressure. Where I am sure of nothing, I have control over nothing. In my dreams i am not sad and alone. in my dreams i love, and am loved, like it was the only thing that mattered.

I keep thinking that someday, someone will walk into my life and I will be as happy as I ever dreamed

karma police

this what you get,

i miss

I miss Nadiah. Shall ask her to go out with me next week.

I miss Dingjiao too. And Diana.

I miss RJC and those innocent days of lusting after the 6b guys. I wish I had a whole class full of cute guys to lust after now. i really dont care about being friends with them, i just want to squeeze the good stuff out of them. better done from a distance.

I miss routine and monotony of everyday school. I hate having to be so in-charge of my life.

I hate growing up.

I miss you.

the person in the middle is my dad. the tricky salesman allowed him to play dress up and he ended up buying the whole outfit. tricky salesman is good.

inside of a shop. ok, why am i starting to bore myself

the person screamed as he launched into the air with the balloon thing behind him.

mosque

mall

airport

they ask you to wear respectful clothing in the mall. but people still wear whatever they want la

winter wonderland in the mall

they were selling cars in the airport

airport

ice cream. there's a lot of ice cream there. ALOT. all brands. it's crazy.

i dunno what this is either. dun look too long, you'll get giddy

dad getting a haircut. he felt like it.

dad at some souvenir shop

boats. took a boat across the river

some place. with stuff you can buy.

snow city in some shopping centre. the shopping centres have great gimmicks

mezzanine. the place i stayed at.

beach

camels on the beach. HIGHLIGHT of my trip cos i was lonely on the beach and wasnt expecting this kind of company. i ran up close but they kind of stink so i ran away. CAMELS :)

shops on the mezzanine of the place i stayed

more of the abovementioned mezzanine

hotels near the beach. very near. beach on your doorstep kind

mum and dad always stand like this. maybe acting cool

some tricky salesman allowed my dad to play with the national costumes. my dad bought the thing in the end. ticky salesman is good.

the steps at the place i stayed. i like them

many times i walked down this road by myself to go to the beach. by myself

Really big stuffed animals at this really big toy store. dun need go zoo. check out the little boy at the right. he is molesting the kangaroo.

mum is cooler than me cos she daos the camera

the view from the apartment, i swam in the pool when i was bored

sand.

the houses look unreal

fountain

huge stuffed animals at this very big toy store

the abovementioned really big toy store. and they have random egypt looking stuff on the walls.

above mentioned walls

the shopping centre has nice arches. starbucks everwhere

i have no idea why, but they have like, museum displays in the shopping centre also.

mum and dad

i wish

i wish you would give me the time of the day, so maybe trying to (do what exactly? find happiness?) wouldnt be so hard.

instead you ignore me, and i back down with my tail between my legs like the coward i always was.

i feel like i will never be forgiven for my mistakes

there's no one to tell.

Nana and i were jogging just now. I was persuading her to go on round 2

Me: okay, second round, let's go let's go!
Nana: Huh??? Don't want!
Me: Who's the one with the wedgie?
Nana:......

WEDGIE. hahahahaha.

i think one of my friends who already has two more internships than me applied for the same one i did. Sigh. now it's oversubscribed. I have this feeling i wont get it, and she will cos this is the kind of sucky thing that happens to me.

infinitely undesired. INFINITELY. rejectable.

DOOBAI

time to reflect on my trip to dubai. It was nice overall. AND, i was damn lonely without my siblings. I think the best thing to come out from that trip is that I treasure my siblings and just, their presence alot more now. Especially Mamat and Nana. I realise they are actually real dearies. I love them to bits.

I am really good at ignoring random people.

I get lonely.

Singapore weather is goooood :)

Some people are wealthy and some people live by their teeth on their skin. Life is just unfair like that. There is very little justice in the world.

therefore, I recognise that sometimes, I have a misplaced sense of justice, and I should stop whining and kicking up a fuss and torturing myself with anger when I feel things are unfair. And get on with the programme. But when wrongs can be righted, they should be of course.

written 24th May 2005:

U r like an onion with many layers, just a little bit is enough to flavour anyone's life, u attract people with ur tangy scent, but u can also make them cry, and you cannot be replaced by any other spice.

Did i really write that? The words flowed so easily then, I remember. Words I can't seem to find again. I've forgotten the feeling, the rush, everything. Everything that used to make me feel alive.
It really scares the shit out of me sometimes, because I will fall flat and dull again without it. You added the life into me, like waking me up. I dont want to lose it. What do i do? What can i do?

Who knows, by the time I'm unconscious I may have churned out 5 entries. May I will chart history and be the first ever sleep-blogger (like sleepwalking only sleepblogging). The next wave after twitter.

Sentences like these are why I do not get internships and why adults (people in general) find it hard to take me seriously. Woe is me.

Moving on from the self-pity (this is becoming my favourite word, ugh).

You're like an onion

You are like an onion, with many layers. You're an essential spice, and flavours many lives and dishes. You have the ability to make others tear and touch them even as they make use of you, (as people are apt to do). Born as a root, you and nourish the plant life above you, allowing it to green and flourish, but the plant dies as you are taken away from it, uprooted from the ground. I never did have the courage to peel those layers and risk the tears. To cling on and pull you back as we were both uprooted.

Heavily modified. Lemme go check what the original is.