Believer

You say it to yourself and to any who might ask; You are a believer. But how just how much do you live in your faith and practice what you profess? What do you believe, and when you've decided, just how much does it mean to you? If it does not mean enough to be lived by, the tenets and pillars of your belief reflected and affirmed in your actions and daily habits, what does it reflect of yourself?

Hypocrite? Or just..weak? Weak of flesh, a human being struggling and forgetting in this world?

I am weak. I am infirm, I break my promises to God and I make them again when i need God's help. I forget to be thankful for everyday alive and whole, i always see what i lack and not what He has blessed me with.

I can only ask for his Forgiveness, and keep trying as long as by his will, i keep breathing, and hoping, and trying to be good.

it's never too late to be what you might have been
- George Elliot

First Day of Internship and I am having a quarter life crisis

And today she told us not to be too angsty about the future, and things will happen. You have to START somewhere.

The future is happening as we speak, and I am really unprepared. I just want to get better grades, and why is that so hard?

Next semester, it is DO OR DIE.

I wish I could stop liking him. And caring about him. And feeling cared for by him.

One day you stop, and realise most of your life is a lie, and you think your going to drown in all your lies.

Hm.

Do I have weird ideas sex? I don't want to have sex before marriage. That's all. That's not an idea is it? It's more like a stand.

But what if...

What if I wait till marriage and sex with my husband is not that great but I don't know any better cos I've never had any other experience and thus I can't help him to make sex better and in general i don't know how to be good in bed as a woman? that kind of situation arising from lack of knowledge would just be a shame. Imagine if my future husband is equally chaste. it would debilitate things.

Is it possible that having prior sexual experience will make sex with your husband better, as good as it can possibly be?

WHY do I not want to have sex before marriage anw? why do i think it's so bad and somehow sacrosanct? Is it tied to religion or the way I was brought up? Maybe...maybe i think im already so bad and sinful that if i do have sex, God will somehow not forgive me. turn his back on me maybe

But it does cross my mind in fleeting moments. Like Marie said, I need a touch to tell me I'm real. I've never even held anyone's hand romantically. That is kind of just sad.

Everyone needs touch don't they? i get it now. I don't want sex. I want someone to touch me in love and in a way that says he thinks i'm beautiful and he wants to take care of me.

Like that's ever going to happen.

What I can't remember
Is a lot like water
Trickling down a page
Of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
On the moment that I became like this

I shrink down to nothing
At the thought of someone really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
And tangled up in winding weeds

These hands that I hold behide my back
Are bound and broken from my own doing
And I can't feel anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real

My soul
It's dying to be free
I can't live the rest of my life so guarded
It's dying to be free
It's up to me to choose
What kind of life I lead

'Cause, I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
Every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all

everyone in my life

Dear Family,
I would like you to support me sometimes. I am trying as best as I can, but I do not really know how to control the world, and I really need your support to help me once in a while

Dear Friends,
Thank you for being my friends, and being such great company. I really have no complaints. My life in school will be alot more miserable without you.

Dear random person,
I do not really care about what you care about, but thanks for wanting to hang out with me and giving me a lift in your cool ride.

Dear Kor Kor,
I cant hate you. I cant love you either. But we can be friends, cos you're a very very good guy.

Dear people in the working world which I am hoping to enter,
Please accept me into the fray. I may not be sophisticated enough, but I certainly am trying to get there.

"flick the switch?"

if you can't be honest about what you feel, then you really aren't honest about your life.
and it's not my problem if you can't be honest. i refuse to let it be my problem, to affect me and get me down.

i want to live my life as truely as possible, and i can't, not really, if you're in it the way you are. we've been friends, it's been great, we've used each other, you've helped me. thanks for the ride, but this is where im getting off, gradually.

what it comes down to:

I want someone who's emotionally honest.

i would like to stop thinking so much

i am desperate not to be left alone with the thoughts that run tiredly around and around in my mind, hobbling and cobbling along whenever i have a bit of free time, in the train or the bus.

it's like my brain won't shut up. i find that rather irritating. i find myself irritating.
i find my sugar cravings irritating.

i have issues

i like to think im a blank slate, never having been hurt or had my heart broken. But lately im starting to realise that maybe i have issues.

i cant seem to accept any guy who seems to take an interest in me, or even accept the idea that a normal good guy would take an interest in me.

First reaction is Denial. Then Suspicion. Then Distrust and Unconscious Negativity about the guy. Then being Purposely Oblique, playing it cool, frustrating the guy away. this is usually accompanied by Subtle rejection and avoidance.

Andy. Pravin. Maybe Zi qian, and John.

What's wrong with me? I think it's that i do not believe in happy endings. maybe, i don't even believe in love, and everything i ever said about it to anyone who would listen, was like telling a tale from the imagination in my mind.

Do my parents love each other? Is that what love is? My sisters and their screwed up boyfriends. All of them, i know they're settling.

My mother. i cant seem to remember if she ever showed affection to me when i was young. i remember her in her room. i remember her in the kitchen. i always remember her as if she was in the distance when i was young. funny now i think about it. i dont remember her arms around me, or her lips in my hair or her body close to mine. even now...i have this vague feeling she doesnt really, really actually love me that much.

i remember my father. my childhood memories of him are closer, and in different places. i rmb the orange light in the room where he slept and i would ask to sleep in his room, in the spare bed. i rmb nights on the mattress in front of the TV accompanying him watch football. i rmb waiting for him after school. him in the car, the supermarket, the coffeeshop with the pisang goreng, in the hospital, giving me my medicine.

but how come i dont rmb touches? i dont rmb anyone picking me up, or hugging me or kissing me or playing with me tenderly. kids get those right? how come i dont remember?

i don't remember. and now it's like ive forgotten. ive forgotten how to trust, and believe, and how to not be scared, and defensive. Mostly i think ive forgotten how to hope courageously, and not falsely.

"people only accept the love they think they deserve"

got the quote above from softapples' blog. i've heard of it before, and it struck me then. she really is a wonderful sounding girl and i do wish i was her friend.

but i digress. the quote.

the reason it strikes me is that i dont trust it, and yet a soft voice in my head whispers that it may just be true and i would do well to live by it. i deserve love, and not just any love. i deserve a great kind of love.

hmm. that just plain makes your heart smile doesnt it? :)

today was a great day. talked alot, sold a few, enjoyed looking at beautiful women. and some men. told the cute uncle he was cute, and meant it from the bottom of my heart. i really experienced how women pig out. like seriously pig out.

he was on my mind alot today, and i considered sms-ing him, but i didnt. i considered calling him, but i didnt either. it's not such a big loss... I'm getting better. (i think.) it's just that this little heart of mine gets lonely. but i have this diary, and im as truthful as i can be in this diary, and you know what? im thinking it helps.

i was jogging just now. first round i saw this couple with the guy having his arm around the girl's waist. second round, the girl was wiping tears and throwing tissues onto the floor, (which was already littered with tissues), in an exasperated manner.
intrigued, i ran one extra round, and the couple was gone, but the tissues were still there. being in love (or troubled in love) does not make you a more considerate person. people in love do tend to be in their own little world.

im seriously considering buying the thigh and tummy trim slimspa thing. imagine if i had slimmer thighs. buying skirts and pants would definitely be easier.