to change, to be ready to grow again

i had a very very hard week last week.
funny how i didn't blog all through my struggle.
i had a mother painful mouth ulcer but luckily it's healing. i got alot of pimples around my mouth area but i think they're fading. my two good friends were miserable and made me miserable as well. i got really angry at my guy friend.

but this week is a new week, and next week is recess week! and, i saw the email guy twice this week. that's a good sign, right? I want him. Magic blog, you've been helping me. when i wanted to start praying, you helped me. when i wanted to learn how to print properly, you helped me. you helped me when i was absent-minded. please help me get my first boyfriend. i want this guy. somehow he lost interest in me, but i want him back. i know i don't have all the time in the world to make my move, but please keep him free until i figure out the best strategy. i've never really wanted anyone. i was never courageous enough to out myself up for rejection. but i think, it would be ok to want this guy, and to get rejected by him. to hope, to want for real.

i was foolish. i will always be foolish. but take care of me for i am never wise. the foolish must have luck on their side and you are my lucky magic blog.

i miss my father. why doesnt he reply my emails??? why? why? is he angry with me?

i'm a hazard to myself...so don't let me get me...

I have lots of bad days.

I am not tired. Strangely I feel safe.

I should stop wasting money.

i spilled some nasty strong smelling thing today, got my mother really angry, and had to clean up the big time mess.

Funny what snaps you out of your funk. Selamat Hari Raya :)

there are things

there are things that you can tell me without telling me anything.

there are things i will keep unsaid.

there are things that are beyond my ability, my understanding, my courage to overcome

there are things that i can instill and changes i can make in myself.

there are good intentions, plans and action.

there is reflecting and learning from the past.

there is trying, and more trying, and more trying.

but is there redemption? is there a way to fix the mistakes you made because you didn't know any better? a way for the squandered opportunities to come around again?

even if there isn't, there is life, and it goes on.

it goes on, my friend.

you say i can always let it go. what you don't know is that most of the time i don't say what i mean, i dont act how i feel, i dont look how i am, i dont do what i want.

so much so it feels like my physical self is a separate being from my mental self. everytime i let it go, i let something else go, another link between my spririt and my body, and when the soul is detached from the self, isn't that not living? isn't that not living?

one day i will find something for real. one day i will hurt, and i will love, and i will lose, i will be rejected and i will have. someone will tell me something real, and it may not be pretty, and not ideal, but it will be real. one day i will stop being a pretence, and my soul will actually run in my blood, and in my limbs and the air that i breathe and everyone will see that i am real, not a caricature, flawed and detestable, and ambitious and selfish, and greedy, and prideful, and most of all irrritating, and i will be glad. i will be glad. i want to live in my own skin, and be happy when i look at myself in the mirror.

i dont want to be a character. i dont want to be the person you have in your mind anymore. cast me out into the cold and look at me. do any of you really see me?

If this blog is kind of a magic blog, then let me say it here--I will NOT make any more mistakes in printing my notes. It's a waste of PAPER, TREES and most of all MY MONEY. I should treasure my money more. Each printing means money, and has to be done carefully.

Okay.

I could get used to Tuesday Adzfar sightings. That guy seriously has the most cheerful and smiley face I have seen, eventhough I do not what his heart really holds. I think i will be quite heartbroken when he gets attached, but for now let me enjoy watching him from afar :)

sometimes it helps to know i'm not the only one who feels like this.
I feel really alone sometimes. Like alone because I'm Alone, and Alone eventhough i'm not alone.

Riddle me that, roger rabbit.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO GIVE HER WHOLE HEART TO A BOY WHO CAN BE TRUSTED WILL KEEP IT SAFE FOREVER?

where are you. where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you this boy with a heart made of gold who will keep my imperfect heart safely in his COME OUT NOW.

in other news, i have competencies and cover letter to do, a test to study for on weds and thurs, and a skeletal to submit by friday.

nothing is as important as finding that Boy With a Golden heart

i can't quite put my finger on a time when i, became like this.

i don't wanna know that lover at my door, if he's just another heartache on my list

I want to be who I am chasing what I want, with no regrets

will you indulge in your sadness?

there's a vast expanse of barren, empty space in my heart that i'm always trying to ignore. Either one day someone will bring the flowers and the greens and the colour into it, or i will just get used to that vast empty loneliness.

Both options seem equally unlikely.

That's life, i guess.

i am tired and i miss you

or maybe i just miss simplicity.

No regrets

what you can NEVER EVER do is regret yuor decisions. What's done is done and cannot be undone.

Have faith girl.Just because you let this one go doesn't mean you'll be lonely for the rest of your life. Someone better will come along

Buoyant

It feels like floating on your back in the gentle early morning light, in a lake or infinite swimming pool, without a care in the world, with the gentle coolness of the water under your body lapping at your side and the sun's warm glow on your skin, with that undefined blank blueness above you, a cloudless sky, and all you hear is silence, and what you wish to hear. You feel for a moment at peace, and safe in your solitude. Close your eyes or open your eyes it doesn't matter, move your limbs or not it makes no difference. Your in between, and the world surrounds you with its secrets.

The dawn of Saturday

I terawih-ed for the FIRST time in the mosque today. I didn't really concentrate too much, but it really felt great. I will do it again next friday, or when the fancy strikes me. Beats watching boring movies. :) I like solat

I've been having an influx of random guys in my life lately. Maybe there's a reason for all this. I CERTAINLY didn't go looking for it. That Adzfar guy even asked me where I had been hiding all this while. I know he's not the one for me. So what exactly is the lesson I'm supposed to learn from him? Or Pravin? Or Kuo Ping?

Maybe that I'm really a girl's girl, and that's sufficient for the moment, until the guy God has for me, who I'm sure will have a heart and soul made of gold, appears in my life.

Week 3 has been slightly better than Week 2. And now i REALLY need to prepare to start Week 4 off with a BANG :)

Evidence Law here I come.

here's to a productive night

Preparing and finishing all my notes for week 3 of conflicts. Must read mother allot of mother long cases.

I will not go onto msn