You're so false and the apple doesnt fall far from the tree

Don't you want to be friends anymore?

Don't you want to be friends anymore?

Don't you want to hear my stupid stories anymore, my triumphs and my hardships, my questions and nonsensical statements, and my dreams?

Don't you want to laugh at weird videos and watch amazing videos and watch mvs?

Don't you want to hear about my escapades, and meet up when school re-opens, say stupid things to each other and watch me being silly?

You don't want to be friends anymore, that's why you're ignoring me. I don't know what I did wrong.

Sigh.

what makes you think you can do this all the time over and over again?

substitute people and all they can say

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep your head above water and keep trying to be happy and carefree and fighting the undercurrents that threaten to pull you under.

if you're leaving, like the others before you have left,
I can't do anything but let you go.

If you're leaving, you have decided to, for your own reasons,
And I won't be angry.
But I will always be here.
And I won't forget that we were good friends once.

Everyone leaves.

People take out their anger on each other,
Anger and hurt and falling like dominoes,
Irreversibly felling what was so carefully put in its spot.
A clean cut sound, a soft tinkle in the still soundless air.

I don't mean to hurt or anger anyone,
If no one would hurt or anger me.

please dont cry khalisa

I cant wait for this to be SO OVER.

i used to wonder

I used to wonder, and question, and yearn and rebel in my heart
And worry.
Now i just worry,a low and mild worry.

What happens if i don't wonder?
What happens afer that?

I feel like my life force is at its lowest now

i'm not heartless...

I won't lose myself, I won't forget who I am. I know I'm not heartless, or thoughtless, or cruel, or self-centred. I'm not all that. I know I can be very loving, and caring and giving and thoughtful.

In spite of everything that has happened. I won't doubt myself. I know who I am and what I'm like. I know I am a good and caring person. I will never hurt anyone on person or make them feel like they are unworthy or valueless.

I am not a cruel and unkind person

i love you.

i don't know you, at all. but i love you. it's real to me. it makes me happy, and stronger, and more excited. It picks me up when I'm down. Every little word, every look and smile, makes me ridiculously happy, and i want to keep it, in my heart, in indestructible places, to make those moments whole and tangible, and wrap them up carefully and store them away safely where i can take them out again, when im sad, and tired, and defeated, and those moments can pick me up again.

i can't bear the thought of not seeing you anymore. i cant.

what i need is for you to believe in me

I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm great. I'm ok.

I am okay.

where are you? where are you? where are you right now?

Why do you never talk to me? Why don't you ever listen?

You're the person who makes me saddest in my life.

forget you, and you, and you

The only person who won't disappoint me is myself

Father

Most of the time I don't know where you are.

WHy don't you stay, why do you keep leaving?

I love you.

Because lists guide you :)

Things to do:
Thrash out the second part of the research paper.
Finish reading Toh Kian Sing for Shippping
If time allows, make notes

Things to do tmr:
Readings for Trade and Investment Law.
Edit research paper.

Show me the way

My heart twists and turns, I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm trying to be patient.

Ya Allah, show me the way

i'm a directionless mess.

as i sit in the irritating messy hurricane of my room with my papers all over the place and even on the floor, food on the table, sticky surfaces and crumbs on the bed, i really think this is a reflection of me.

this mess is not conducive to studying, it's not conducive to life.

Why am i such a mess? i go where the wind (or other people) blows me, and i fall again and again.

I finally kissed a guy for the first time in my life on Friday (Saturday morning), and i didn't feel anything. Except his wet lips and his rough stubble. That sounds sexy and it should be but it's not. It's really not. There's not an inkling of sexy or turned on anywhere in that experience. It might have been if it had lasted longer but then he kept putting his goddamn tongue into my mouth. That was negative sexy by the way. It might have been sexy if i wasnt trying to control his stupid roving hands at the same time. It might have been sexy if i wasnt so, so, so forced into it, if i hadnt talked myself into it, if he hadn't basically ordered me into it. There might have been an inkling of sexy if there had been an inkling of magic, or romance or tenderness in it at all.

SO that was the first kiss that i had kept and wondered about for so long. And hafiz has asked me "Don't you wonder what it's like to kiss a guy?" I would ask him "And I've done it, is that how it's supposed to be like? Is that all it's cut up to be, NOTHING? Would it have been better if I had kissed you instead?"

The most real things are in my mind and my heart, and reality is forgettable. I feel like I'm turning in the other direction and shooting arrows again and again, while waiting for love to tap me from behind.

I'm scared shitless actually. Someone tell me what to do.

year 4, semester 1, week 6

Week 6 already ohmygosh! I am sick with the flu, and having very scabby skin. Sigh. I have three pages of nonsense to write for trade and investment law. I have homework due in week 7 that I have no inkling how to do. Well that's school life I guess.

Been watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy. Meredith looks so tired and sad sitting there on the ledge, and she says, "You know, i think...i think we can't wait for someone to fy under us and save us. We have to save ourselves."

And her posture as she says it, says it all.

I'm so tired and sad as well, Meredith.

Don't think I don't notice,

That you are nice to everyone else but don't bother extending any form of politeness to me.
In short, you've never been nice to me,
And every word that you say to me I can expect some form of sarcasm,
You act like a big know-it-all,
I find you hypocritical,
And it fucking irks me,
And I've had it.
So don't. Talk to me.
I don't need to hear another word from you.

it never works out, its never a surprise, yet it never stops hurting

There's a pattern that has repeated itself countless times in my life, and yet i never mastered the art of not letting it hurt me.

update

So i've been meaning to write, it seems yet again that it's been a long time since i last wrote. I found the words couldn't flow, and so i read through my previous entries.

I must say I write pretty interestingly. Haha. But nothing much has happened to me lately. No crummy internships, no feeling victimised, no anger, no injustices, no guilt, no longing, no emptiness and no lonesliness yet. Perhaps these feelings are what pushes the words out till they spill and tumble out on the blank pages of this virtual space that is all mine, and only for me.

Shall I talk about what has been good so far then?

Well, my internship with jtjb has been a relatively good experience. I met some really lovely and kind-hearted people interns, associates and secretaries, a really genuine but slightly angsty lawyer, and an amicable managing partner. I learnt alot, truly, and I am very grateful for that. I do believe that i have expressed my thanks adequately too. My eyes were opened abit more in how the world works, although i must say, in a rather sadistic and ironic way, i didnt learn as much as through my horrendous experience at RWW. but that was transient, and this is permanent. for permanent, good pleasant and nice is ideal :)

meet ups with relatives and old friends, travel plans for the future. well wishes and hearing compliments.:)

And i think someone at jtjb took kind of an interest in me, and i did something proactive for once! though it will probably not work out, i needn't regret the silence, and the hesitation and the passivity that becomes my bane much too often.

i told Z, who is the long-suffering listener of my lack-of-love cmoplaints, that im really much happier now, "for I am free of KP"

And though i may forget, I will always go back to those words, and know in my heart it is true. I miss him,yes, but what once used to feel like...a capricious load dragging my heart and spirit up and down is now a light speck that flits around in the caverns of my heart unguided, aimless. A shadow of its former self.

And I folded up the frayed ends with A too.

Need to write my internship report tmr...

calling all angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak2p1MqFMKA

All of my life, I've been waiting.

When will it be my turn?

I feel like the fight is going out of me.

Here I am, 22nd June 2010, in my third year of law school, going on to my fourth year. I will be graduating soon. I don’t know why I have been avoiding writing in my blog. It crosses my mind that I should write every so often but then I put it off, I think that I will write another time. This blog is still important to me, more so than ever now actually. Now that things are clearer, now that I am one year older than I was last summer, now that I am more aware of myself and how the world around me works. Now that the people that I got to know over the past year (Hafiz, Kuo Ping, John, Teresa, Ezzah, Melanie) are fading, fading amicably and softly from my life.

I am alone. I find myself alone, once again.

But being alone is not so bad. I can’t… get used to it, certainly not. But I can live with it, I can accept it, I can handle it better. I don’t love it, and I don’t loathe it. It’s just the state one is at some moments in their life, sometimes when they need support the most. And that’s when one discover that one can handle things alone, and in discovering oneself, you become a better companion when with others, better when with other people.

I learnt the true meaning of “berani kerana benar”. It means being courageous when you’re in the right. I learnt that the ability and luxury of being courageous is actually one of the most exhilarating, rewarding and empowering things in the world. But a pre-requisite of the privilege of being brave and standing up for yourself, is that you have to be right. You have to be certain that you are right, not one step out of place, not one inch wrong. I am going to make sure that I am as diligent and careful as I need to be so that I may always be right. This is not easy and I will need to make some sacrifices and change my habits, but it’s worth it. I have been making and admitting mistakes for too long, and it’s debilitating. I want to be a righteous person now. I want that confidence and courage that comes along with it.

I’m learning to love myself, everyday. To see my values. To trust myself. And yet to be less self-absorbed. I’ve yet to learn to speak my mind out loud.

I am very grateful for the parents that I have, especially my daddy.

I’m still learning how to network properly, and to be sincere about it at the same time.

I still need people. I need to tell them things about myself, I need to spill my guts, I need to connect. This is perhaps something I cannot change about myself. I hope one day I will find that someone that I can always turn to, without hesitating, feeling guilty, wondering whether I should, whether I’m cheap and transparent, whether it’s my place and my right, whether I’m giving away a part of myself, or whether I’m imposing. Turning to him will be the most perfect and natural thing in the world.

I’m still learning to turn to God.

Till I write again, always your ever faithful but not always present,
Khalisa Jamalludin.

i can't give up on you.

ask anything of me.
make me wait a thousand minutes, a thousand years. i'll keep waiting because that's all i can do. i have no choice because i look everywhere in every corner, been down every road, but nothing fills my blood with the same poison you did. the poison that's intoxicated me permanently. no one else has given me the same high since.

there's hope yet, so ask anything of me, except to give you up. im stripped bare, i have nothing left to lose. i'll go anywhere, i'll do anything.

just please.

give me another chance.

please, i can't give up on you. on what used to be.

a tight grip

I know now, why it was so hard to let go.
Because I wanted it so much, so much.

I should be the one behind the wheel.

I will find myself on my own two feet, and I won't depend on friends as a security blanket. New friends are there to be made.

I will separate the real and true from the fake, and I will let go of the people who don't mean anything to me.

I wrap myself in my family's love, and cherish my parents more. Be a good daughter, sister, lady and muslim.

I will forgive with my heart sincerely, and I will move on strong.

I will keep hoping when I fail.

I will let peace take over my heart and my mind, I will open my eyes and trust myself to take care of ME.

"Ah, Love" by Linda Pastan

Ah, Love

you expert
knifethrower, outlining my body

with your gleaming blades
as I stand trembling here

against the bedroom wall.
I was distracted

for months by the color
of your flowers,

by all your flowery
words, for where you come from

it is always tropical.
Now I am ready for you

to do your worst. Look,
I am opening my blouse--here

is my uncovered heart.
Just aim for it.

Sooner or later

I will never let your memory go.

Never.

To Hell With Real Boys

i can't understand them at all.

from now on, fuck it, i am going to have an imaginary boyfriend.

just like i had an imaginary bedroom with a fireplace and lots of rooms, and a garden and fairies with a woods nearby. just like i had an imaginary club and imaginary adventures when i was younger.

now im going to have me an imaginary boyfriend.

Fear.

what if you're just going to be unhappy in the future? What if you're miserable in your paper-pushing job? What if you get a gpa below 3.0, what if you fail the bar?
What if this is all wrong for you?
What if you never find true love?
what if you'll be lonely and miserable forever?
what if everyone leaves you and you fall behind, and you forget how to speak of your feelings and you fail to feel at all?
What if everyone gets their happy ending but you?

if it's a matter of how much you want it.

it's time for me to get that A- for a law module.

I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.

Hafiz.

I look at you, and I see a way for me to redeem myself.
To fill up the gaping holes left by fear, uncertainty, doubts and insecurities.
To fill up the the missing words, the swallowed feelings, the lost thoughts, the unspoken opinions.
If I say something, would you say something in reply, and would it go on, till we discover what the possibilities are,
Or would you shut me down.
I want to learn about myself, I want to be a normal person, I want to hold someone's hand and know what give and take and real relationships are like.
I'll never know now, because I've decided to walk down the lonely road again, and i can't turn around.
Maybe you'll be another Regret.
Maybe I've lost another chance to redeem myself.

the chivalrous one.

You are like-
An old school classic Pride and Prejudice style
Gentleman.
The kind that's supposed to have died out by today.
By today,
When the girls are more free,
When they think they are independent
When they want more,
When they still do not know what they want,
You flounder,
And I watch you from a distance and wonder why that is.
You are good and strong like a safety net made of the strongest cotton
The kind that would never hurt you,
Always catch you,
Always be there.
And for that I am thankful that you are part of my life
That I stumbled into your world,
And remained your friend
And I wonder.

my sister's wedding.

she's happy, and suddenly, that is the only thing that matters.
a new member of our famiy.

You are falling in love again. This time
it is a South American general's daughter.
You want to be stretched on the rack again.
You want to hear awful things said to you
and to admit these things are true.
You want to have unspeakable acts
committed against your person, things
nice people don't talk about in classrooms.
You want to tell everything you know
on Simon Bolivar, on Jorge Luis Borges,
on yourself most of all.
You want to implicate everyone in this!
Even when it's four o'clock in the morning
and the lights are burning still -
those lights that have been burning night and day
in your eyes and brain for two weeks -
and you are dying for a smoke and a lemonade,
but she won't turn off the lights that woman
with the green eyes and little ways about her,
even when you want to be her gaucho.
Dance with me, you imagine hearing her say
as you reach for the empty beaker of water.
Dance with me, she says again and no mistake.
She picks this minute to ask you, hombre,
to get up and dance with her in the nude.
No, you don't have the strength of a fallen leaf,
not the strength of a little reed basket
battered by waves on Lake Titicaca.
But you bound out of bed
just the same, amigo, you dance
across wide open spaces.

once upon a time, i didn't give a damn

there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me

don't give up on me

please.

not allowed

You're not allowed to be sad, you're not allowed to miss anyone, you'e not allowed to be angry, you're not allowed to be disappointed, you're not allowed to fall behind, you're not allowed to be a disappointment, you're not allowed to be bad, you're not allowed to be good.

you're not allowed to hope

Alhamdulillah

thank you for helping me find a pupillage.
thank you for granting me peace and satisfaction.
thank you.

what if u lost everything?

what if you lost everything that meant anything to you?
You'd have to start all over again.

he isnt there

He didn't comfort you in your time of crisis.
It is time for you to stop wasting your time.
And face the fact that this isn't the right person, and now is not the right time.

you never miss the water till it's gone

irony is when you do not put your wallet straight back into your back against your better judgment.

painful irony is losing your wallet the very day after you withdrew $50 from the atm.

cruel irony is that the wallet contains all your cards. ALL YOUR CARDS. Every single last one. Now i will know what it costs to replace each one.

excruciating irony is losing the wallet someone gave you for your birhtday, which you loved so very much.

irony becomes a joke when all this happens the day before you know whether or not you are offered a job.

matric card: $50.
i/c: $100.
ez-link: $28.
cashcard: $10.
cash: $40.
atm card: $5.
total loss: $240 plus one beautiful gift of a black leather wallet from my lovely friend.

the lesson that loss teaches you: priceless.

this could have bought me a goddamn iphone. ok you know what, im going to get my goddamn iphone by this summer.

and, I am going to be less absent-minded and treasure my things ALOT more now.

Dear God.

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Dear God,

You know me best, better than myself.

I heard it said that we were made in God's image. I do not know if this is true. I also heard it said that God is too great to be imagined, beyond the human imagination. I think this has a greater likelihood of truth, but I also instinctively feel that humans beings cannot be so much below and insignificant to God, or else why would (He) have made us and made us khalifah on this earth?

Well, as I was saying, you know me better than myself. Please bring me peace, and guide me to the path that has your approval and blessing, and restrain me from things that will harm me, that I know not of. Yet give me enough knowledge, good and true knowledge so that I will become someone useful in society.

Please grant me peace and happiness, on this life and the life after. I am just one girl, an insignificant being but I want to lead a greater life, only I do not know how. Only with your permission. Please make me a better worshipper, please let me be among those who is granted mercy and privilege by you.

i wonder why I go through bouts of sleepiness and extreme unsleepiness

A finger, two stars, then me
by Derrick C. Brown.

Lying together in the park on Seventh,
our backs smoosh grass and I say
I will love you till I become a child again,
when feeding me and bathing me is no longer romantic,
but rather necessary.

I will love you till there is no till.
Till I die.
And when that electroencephalogram shuts down, baby
that's when the real lovin' kicks in.

Forgive me for sounding selfish
but I won't be able to wait under the earth for you
(albeit a romantic thought for groundhogs,
gophers and the gooey worms).
I will not be able to wait for you...

but I will meet up with you
and here's where you will find me:
get a pen--

Hold your finger up
(two fingers if your hands are frail by now)
and count two stars directly to the left
of the North American moon.
You will find me there.
You will find me darting behind amazing quasars
Behind flirtatious winks
of bright and blasting boom stars!

Sometimes charging so far into space
the darkness goes blue.
I will be there chasing sound waves
riding them like two-dollar pony ride horses
that have finally broken free and wild.
I will be facing backwards, lying sideways,
no hands, sidesaddle, sometimes standing
sometimes screaming zip zang zowie!
My God, it's good to be back in space... Where is everybody?

You will recognize my voice.
You will see the flash of a fire trail
burning off the back of me
burning like a gasoline comet kerosene sapphire.
This is my voice.
Don't look for my body or a ghost.
I'll resemble more a pilot light than a man now.

I'm sure some will see
this cobalt star white light from earth
and cast me a wish like a wonder bomb.
And I'll think "Hmmph. people still do that?"

I'm sure I'll take the light wonder bombs
to the point in the universe
where sound does end.
The back porch of God's summer home.

It's so quiet here, you float.
It feels the way cotton candy tastes.

I say to him... why do I call you God?
He says 'Because Grand Poobah sounds ridiculous.'
(Who knew he was so witty?)
I ask him 'Lord, so many poets have tried to nail it and missed, what is holy?'

At that moment,
the planets begin to spin and awaken
and large movie screens appear on Mars, Saturn and Venus
each bearing images I have witnessed
and over each and every clip flashes the word holy.

armadillos--holy
magic tricks--holy
cows' tongues--holy
snowballs upside the head--holy
clumsy first kisses--holy
sneaking into movies--holy
your mother teaching you to slow dance
the fear returning
the fear overcome--holy
eating top ramen on upside-down frisbees
cause it was either plates or more beer--holy
drunk beach cruiser nights--holy
the $5.00 you made in vegas
and the $450.00 you lost--holy
the last time you were nervous holding hands--holy
feeling God at a pool hall but not church--holy
sleeping during your uncle's memorized dinner prayer--holy
losing your watch in the waves and all that signifies--holy
the day you got to really speak to your father cause the television broke--holy
the day your grandmother told you something meaningful
cause she was dying--holy
the medicine
the hope
the blood
the fear
the trust
the crush
the work
the loss
the love
the test
the birth
the end
the finale
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts

So love, you should know what to look for
and exactly where to go...

Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."

And the two pilot lights go zoooooooom
into the black construction paper night

as somewhere else
two other lovers lie down on their backs and say
"What the hell was that?"

Good Advice

Once Ziqian told me to be good to myself, and to love myself.

It was very simple and true advice, but i don't really know how to do it.

I think i have a great capacity for love, and wouldn't it be great if i could channel all this energy on myself instead of others who do not deserve it?

So I am going to take sometime and ruminate on how I am good and wonderful, objectively.

1) I think I have a sensitive soul. i can write poetry, i can appreciate simple poems, i love a good heartfelt soulful song, i love song lyrics and i can appreciate art. I cary over good books.
2) I think i make quite a good friend. Sometimes. I listen to others and try to be encouraging.
3) I try to be a good daughter, although I am lazy, I try not to do things that will disappoint or hurt my parents.
4) I can be pretty smart sometimes.

Why is this list so short?
Shucks...

I understand now.

halfway through looking at slides for privacy and confidentiality in the uncharacteristically empty library it dawned on me. i got enlightened. i know why we are not meant to be.

It's because I don't touch you. i didn't change you and i didn't cause you to become the person you are now, with your beliefs and reactions and approaches. i am not apart of your history and i don't have a shape in your heart. and i can't change you. somehow i am sure of that. i don't touch you.

the same goes for me.

if everyone is travelling the roads of our lives, our experiences cling to us permanently, whether as good or as bad baggage. and here we are, you and i, standing facing each other across the road, constantly trying to cross the road to the other one but held back by the traffic, and all that baggage we both can't drop. we both want to but we can't. We see the accident waiting to happen. maybe you saw it before me. how can you change someone standing on the other side of the road, how can you chnage his speed when it's different from yours?

You have your whole history behind you, and so do i. one cannot re-write history, one cannot make roads merge, and one cannot touch fate, just because one wants to, so badly.

i don't touch you. i didn't touch you, i didn't hurt you and i didn't cause you to live more cautiously. it was someone else.

i don't want to care

i wish my heart wouldn't care so much to see you look sad. i wish you wouldn't look sad.

but it's not my fault.It's not my fault at all, and you have to figure your things out on your own.

Today I realised-

I am worth something, and I will not be bought with a string of glass pearls, like the little girl in Joy Luck Club

the peace of wild things

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

pincushion heart

My threads are unravelling
No one should see the colour of my lining
Poke me and sew me back up,
Then trim me with scissors, shiny and sharp.

FIlled with nothing but cotton and air,
A silky surface smooth and bare,
Tempting, to stick your needles into me,
Gore me, tear me, rend me

Because there's nothing in me but cotton and air,
I absorb flows on the edge, with my flare,
Lay your sleeping head on me,
Let me internalise your nightmare

Can't hurt
I won't need
I don't bleed
No more words in my
Pincushion heart.

to myself

To Myself
by Franz Wright

You are riding the bus again
burrowing into the blackness of Interstate 80,
the sole passenger

with an overhead light on.
And I am with you.
I’m the interminable fields you can’t see,

the little lights off in the distance
(in one of those rooms we are
living) and I am the rain

and the others all
around you, and the loneliness you love,
and the universe that loves you specifically, maybe,

and the catastrophic dawn,
the nicotine crawling on your skin—
and when you begin

to cough I won’t cover my face,
and if you vomit this time I will hold you:
everything’s going to be fine

I will whisper.
It won’t always be like this.
I am going to buy you a sandwich.

GOTTA SNAP OUT OF THIS FUNK.
it doesn't feel good to be a lazy bitch :(

A wish

happy chinese new year, andy hong

everything little tihng, is gonna be alright

i am kinda in love with my equity prof.
it's not a horrid feeling :)

what's different this time?

I am starting to see that I have to depend on myself

one last tender lie

I can't do this anymore because you make me wonder why I'm so unlovable, and it hurts me.

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

wimp.

it's starting to piss me off that i have no claim over him.

no right to know, where he is, where he's going, what he's doing, when he wakes up and what time he sleeps.

no right to tell him to stop smoking.

no right to be jealous that he's calling and laughing, and texting and going shopping with his girl best friend.

no right to be sad that he still misses his ex.

what a soft-hearted wimp i am, what a sucker.

Maybe It's Time for a Miracle

Stop wallowing and start deciding and standing by your decisions.

Just Stop.

That oughta take care of it

The things you ask for, the things you know are good for you in the long run, are the hardest for you to swallow.

leave me alone, if you're leaving me alone

I'm getting sick of my own story.

This Year's Love Had Better Last

It takes something more this time,
Than SweetSweet Lies

Why...?

Why can't I let go of the past?
Why can't I forget about of my doubts , insecurities and fears?
Why can't I stop worrying what other people think?
Why can't I forget about his past?
Why can't I stop measuring how much he really likes me against standards I can't define?
why can't I stop predicting doom in the future?
Why can't I stop measuring him against the standards of society?
Why can't I let myself be in love?
Why can't I let myself belong to someone?
Why can't I let myself have someone?
Why can't I let myself be happy?

i like you because

There could be a million reasons for liking somebody.

I like you because-

You're the first person that I liked.
I have never liked anyone as much as I like you since.
I remember your face up to this day, and I remember your awkward rare smile.
You liked me when I was silent and living in my own shell.
My world bloomed into colour, and so did I, when you burst into my life
I think you liked me back, even for a while.
You won't give me a chance now.
I remember the way you spoke, the things you spoke of, the things you did, hoped for, and dreamt about.
You represent a simpler and innocent time.
I wish I could have it back.

I like you because my heart beats.