how could it be that i made a mistake in the photocopying?
i suck.

Will participate in FT later.

the first thing you want never comes.

i want to talk to you so much that it hurts sometimes. Talk to me. Please, please talk to me. i don't need anything else, if you'd talk to me again.

I'm pathetic.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new week. Don't screw this up, like you screw everything up, again and again.

Same old failures and missed chances.

Week 2 owned my ass. When will I ever own a week's ass I wonder?

I think next week I will try to own the week's ass . I will offer participation for Monday's evidence class. In fact, from now on, I will prepare with a view to participate in class and make notes for exam. That will be the priority, instead of breadth. Then, I will offer participation for FT. And lastly, I will participate in Friday's conflicts. Answer the easy questions, just like Lujia.

On to Week 3! Oh ya must start revising for the 20 question test in Week 4 already.

let's review, shall we?

I want answers. I want truth. I want him. But not as much as I want the past, as I used to be able to want. I want to stop feeling like I cannot have what I want.

I'm tired. I am oh, so, very tired. This in addition to worrying about grades, about school load, about friends, about internship and pupillage.

I am thinking having someone there would make it all so much easier.

I want someone to lean on, someone who will make it better, who will support me.

I want to be doing the right thing. But what does that mean exactly? If someone could tell me.

She says his poison. She says stay away from him. She spills words like it's easy when all i want to do is cry.
He says i am mature and composed, and he gives me kudos, when all i want to do is cry.
She says she'll never think badly of me, and my situation is like a taiwanese drama, and i want to is cry.
She says i need to tell the truth, just do it it's easy, and all i want to do is cry.

You whisper words, words, and more words, and all i want to do is cry bitter tears at the sweetness of it all.

I'm poisoned, I'm dying before you, you don't know, when you throw that hurt.

i prayed in school today. :) it brought me a little peace.

I am doing the right thing. I don't want to lose a friend.

i don't want to be like this, this uptight girl who can't let lose because she is not confident of herself. Who can't let go of the past. Who is not open to new people

another random about banal stuff

How is it possible that second week of readings for Conlifcts is harder than the first week?
(confession: secretly i like conflicts)

Well I like it alot more than evidence that's for sure. Life-threatening decision: Tan Boon Heng or David Lee for evidence? My oh my i have to decide by 8 am tomorrow!

My social life is good. It satisfies me.

Gonna go for a short jog in about 1 hour.

Thank heavens for lockers.

Anger under my eyelids, around my throat and on the tip of my tongue

You choose to treasure money over comfort, over humanity and over your relationship with your daughter.
That's your choice. I don't want to ever discuss money with you, so don't ever say a word about it to me again or I will just step out of the house. My patience is only THAT much.

My photocopying is still all over the place.
I havent started reading for week 2 of Evidence and Conflicts.
I havent bought a financial calculator.
I feel very estranged from Teresa.

Cheers to the start of Week 2

the first week of school is owning my sorry ass

Things that went badly:

Behind in my readings. Struggling and falling behind for commercial conflict of laws readings.
Didn't read for ethics, totally couldn't answer the prof's questions.
Made a bad impression (and only impression) on the Evidence Law prof. Must stop hating his guts and his sissy little voice too.
Did not speak up and pick up participation points for Finishing touch.
Gave Pravin the cold shoulder and is considered a friendly neighbourhood slave by him.
Ran away from Kuo Ping, sent him some unfriendly messages and ignored him online.
So I added him back online after giving myself "mental reinforcements".
Miss Kuo Ping, scared of losing his friendship.
My photocopying is all over the place.

Things that went well:
Do not have to bother with tomorrow's finance readings.
Still awake at this time.
Two more lessons. I can do this. I can clean up my act and end on a good note.

cutting loose is hard.

Sometimes I think I'm losing colour, I'm fading away.
If I'm not free to feel, then what is left of my essence. If i mute myself, then how do I find my voice? Where does the song in my heart go? How does my heart find a rhythm to keep beating to? Where will my dreams take me, and how do my hopes get pinned?

Most importantly, how will I be happy?

I believe I will. I have to find happiness in the simple things, in the real things, and not try to grasp for things beyond my reach.

It can be done. Sometimes I will feel like crying and giving up, sometimes I will reach the end of my patience and self-discipline, but I won't. I am cutting loose because I want to protect myself. It can be done.

I'll take it one step at a time.

Because this feeling too, shall pass

it's going to be alright, girl

In the coming term, I am going to focus all my efforts and thoughts and emotions into my studies.
I'm going to give it all I've got. I know I can do this. I know I can do better. I am going to bring my A-game, and I'm not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way.

I am going to do right by myself.

Lazy Monday, so I'm going for a lazy run :) And then a lazy shower, and then a lazy time reading up for school and then some lazy tuition.

:) this is as good as it's gonna get

i don't mind. i do mind.

i do not mind if you do not reply my sms.
i do not mind if u do not reply me on msn conversations.
i do not mind if u cancel a meting with me, or decline an invitation to go out or watch a movie.
i do not mind if you tell me you're tired, or sleepy, or busy or going out with your girlfriend or guy friends or internship friends

i do not mind those. in fact, i welcome rejection from you. please reject me more.

i do mind if you sms me at night and in the wee hours of morning.
i do mind when u call me late at night, for no solid purpose other than to ask me nonsensical questions, just because you can't sleep.
i do mind when you call me three times, to finally ask me out in the end.
i do mind when u ask me to watch movies and do not include anyone else in the asking list.

i do mind these things. i wish you would stop doing it.

i dont mind that we chat till 3 in the morning.
i dont mind that we share the same likes, find the same things funny and understand each other.

i do mind that i like you too much, not only as a friend.

i do not mind the fact that i can never win in this game

you don't know me

there are fantasies, and there is reality.

reality always wins.

always.

another one of those things i should know well and good by now

spoke too soon

So today i got screwed, and the way i see it, totally not my fault.
.
.
.
Totally, ok?

My white gold and diamond earring fell off while in the gym shower and although i spent about 10 minutes with my face close to the floor (naked as well as otherwise) all i found was the back part and not the front part, which is strange cos the back part is 10 times smaller and 10 times less shiny.

I love those earrings, ok! I would've worn them for the rest of the summer, and for the rest of the first semester too. Do u know the heartbreak a girl goes through when she loses diamonds, especially diamond with sentimental value? i almost hyperventilated when i thought of those diamonds lying in mud and filth somewhere.

this is not my fault. it just happens to me. i get screwed just becasue my name is Khalisa. Same goes for those Shook Lin & Bok cards.

You would think that after 21 years of living, and finally realising that life is out to get you, i'd be more careful and watch my back more.

Sigh.

feeling normal

i feel devoid and empty of thoughts and feelings. not depressed, not tired, not confused, not extremely happy, or feeling peaceful or anything. i just feel normal.

i guess im not used to feeling normal. i keep thinking that im gonna think something that will lead me to feeling something which will then lead to doing something, whether good or bad. in the next moment.

nope. feeling perfectly normal. wonder how long this will last???