forget you, and you, and you

The only person who won't disappoint me is myself

Father

Most of the time I don't know where you are.

WHy don't you stay, why do you keep leaving?

I love you.

Because lists guide you :)

Things to do:
Thrash out the second part of the research paper.
Finish reading Toh Kian Sing for Shippping
If time allows, make notes

Things to do tmr:
Readings for Trade and Investment Law.
Edit research paper.

Show me the way

My heart twists and turns, I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm trying to be patient.

Ya Allah, show me the way

i'm a directionless mess.

as i sit in the irritating messy hurricane of my room with my papers all over the place and even on the floor, food on the table, sticky surfaces and crumbs on the bed, i really think this is a reflection of me.

this mess is not conducive to studying, it's not conducive to life.

Why am i such a mess? i go where the wind (or other people) blows me, and i fall again and again.

I finally kissed a guy for the first time in my life on Friday (Saturday morning), and i didn't feel anything. Except his wet lips and his rough stubble. That sounds sexy and it should be but it's not. It's really not. There's not an inkling of sexy or turned on anywhere in that experience. It might have been if it had lasted longer but then he kept putting his goddamn tongue into my mouth. That was negative sexy by the way. It might have been sexy if i wasnt trying to control his stupid roving hands at the same time. It might have been sexy if i wasnt so, so, so forced into it, if i hadnt talked myself into it, if he hadn't basically ordered me into it. There might have been an inkling of sexy if there had been an inkling of magic, or romance or tenderness in it at all.

SO that was the first kiss that i had kept and wondered about for so long. And hafiz has asked me "Don't you wonder what it's like to kiss a guy?" I would ask him "And I've done it, is that how it's supposed to be like? Is that all it's cut up to be, NOTHING? Would it have been better if I had kissed you instead?"

The most real things are in my mind and my heart, and reality is forgettable. I feel like I'm turning in the other direction and shooting arrows again and again, while waiting for love to tap me from behind.

I'm scared shitless actually. Someone tell me what to do.