Here I am, 22nd June 2010, in my third year of law school, going on to my fourth year. I will be graduating soon. I don’t know why I have been avoiding writing in my blog. It crosses my mind that I should write every so often but then I put it off, I think that I will write another time. This blog is still important to me, more so than ever now actually. Now that things are clearer, now that I am one year older than I was last summer, now that I am more aware of myself and how the world around me works. Now that the people that I got to know over the past year (Hafiz, Kuo Ping, John, Teresa, Ezzah, Melanie) are fading, fading amicably and softly from my life.

I am alone. I find myself alone, once again.

But being alone is not so bad. I can’t… get used to it, certainly not. But I can live with it, I can accept it, I can handle it better. I don’t love it, and I don’t loathe it. It’s just the state one is at some moments in their life, sometimes when they need support the most. And that’s when one discover that one can handle things alone, and in discovering oneself, you become a better companion when with others, better when with other people.

I learnt the true meaning of “berani kerana benar”. It means being courageous when you’re in the right. I learnt that the ability and luxury of being courageous is actually one of the most exhilarating, rewarding and empowering things in the world. But a pre-requisite of the privilege of being brave and standing up for yourself, is that you have to be right. You have to be certain that you are right, not one step out of place, not one inch wrong. I am going to make sure that I am as diligent and careful as I need to be so that I may always be right. This is not easy and I will need to make some sacrifices and change my habits, but it’s worth it. I have been making and admitting mistakes for too long, and it’s debilitating. I want to be a righteous person now. I want that confidence and courage that comes along with it.

I’m learning to love myself, everyday. To see my values. To trust myself. And yet to be less self-absorbed. I’ve yet to learn to speak my mind out loud.

I am very grateful for the parents that I have, especially my daddy.

I’m still learning how to network properly, and to be sincere about it at the same time.

I still need people. I need to tell them things about myself, I need to spill my guts, I need to connect. This is perhaps something I cannot change about myself. I hope one day I will find that someone that I can always turn to, without hesitating, feeling guilty, wondering whether I should, whether I’m cheap and transparent, whether it’s my place and my right, whether I’m giving away a part of myself, or whether I’m imposing. Turning to him will be the most perfect and natural thing in the world.

I’m still learning to turn to God.

Till I write again, always your ever faithful but not always present,
Khalisa Jamalludin.