confuddle

sometimes i really really wonder if i will ever be in love again, or if all this pretending is going to catch up on me.

i want so badly to believe, because i know it's such a powerful feeling, like being on performance drugs. i want to believe i can have that, someday, and that a love like that will last forever, that you can have that enhanced,essential feeling for as long as you are in love. but logically, i dun think that's possible, and that's where the unknown starts isn't it? Cos i know the rush, but i don't know what happens after. will it be a good thing, but in a different way? or just plain different, faded away and not so good? does it mean that you shouldn't start off so intense and in love, but just find someone you can really get along with and depend on, just for the long haul stability sake?

What the hell am i talking about, actually? i dont even think i'll make it on the starting line.

logically, i have to get attached/married someday right? cos im nota super ambitious independent and driven woman who finds fulfillment in a career and is okay being alone. but at the same time, i just can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because i cant imagine myself with anyone at all. does this person who is supposed to be my companion, partner and soulmate even exist?