Dear God,

I make some changes in my life, if only You will allow things to go my way this time.


please

a knot in my throat. closing in on my heart

i keep thinking that someday, everything will fall into place and i will be as happy as i need to be.

in my wildest most hopeful dreams, someone will walk into my life and he'll be as perfect as can be and we could share all our thoughts and find each other equally captivating and beautiful.

in my dreams, i would be...me only different. I would be in control, confident, everything I admire in other people, I would be who I'm supposed to be: a smart eloquent lawyer. It would be natural and I wouldn't feel like an impostor. I would be that capable grown-up woman.

in my dreams, I would have everything I wanted that i worked hard for. Good at exams, presentations are a breeze, a group mate that you can rely on. Someone not to be overlooked. I would never feel like a failure, never have to swallow that bitter pill.

in my dreams, i am kind, i will not find it difficult to do the right thing, i am peaceful and honest and a good Muslim.(Like, close to God)i do not indulge in frivolous things. i do not care about opinions of people who mean nothing.

In my dreams, I do not have moments of pure panic, where there is a knot in my throat, where my heart seems to be closing in and sinking under pressure. Where I am sure of nothing, I have control over nothing. In my dreams i am not sad and alone. in my dreams i love, and am loved, like it was the only thing that mattered.

I keep thinking that someday, someone will walk into my life and I will be as happy as I ever dreamed

karma police

this what you get,

i miss

I miss Nadiah. Shall ask her to go out with me next week.

I miss Dingjiao too. And Diana.

I miss RJC and those innocent days of lusting after the 6b guys. I wish I had a whole class full of cute guys to lust after now. i really dont care about being friends with them, i just want to squeeze the good stuff out of them. better done from a distance.

I miss routine and monotony of everyday school. I hate having to be so in-charge of my life.

I hate growing up.

I miss you.

the person in the middle is my dad. the tricky salesman allowed him to play dress up and he ended up buying the whole outfit. tricky salesman is good.

inside of a shop. ok, why am i starting to bore myself

the person screamed as he launched into the air with the balloon thing behind him.

mosque

mall

airport

they ask you to wear respectful clothing in the mall. but people still wear whatever they want la

winter wonderland in the mall

they were selling cars in the airport

airport

ice cream. there's a lot of ice cream there. ALOT. all brands. it's crazy.

i dunno what this is either. dun look too long, you'll get giddy

dad getting a haircut. he felt like it.

dad at some souvenir shop

boats. took a boat across the river

some place. with stuff you can buy.

snow city in some shopping centre. the shopping centres have great gimmicks

mezzanine. the place i stayed at.

beach

camels on the beach. HIGHLIGHT of my trip cos i was lonely on the beach and wasnt expecting this kind of company. i ran up close but they kind of stink so i ran away. CAMELS :)

shops on the mezzanine of the place i stayed

more of the abovementioned mezzanine

hotels near the beach. very near. beach on your doorstep kind

mum and dad always stand like this. maybe acting cool

some tricky salesman allowed my dad to play with the national costumes. my dad bought the thing in the end. ticky salesman is good.

the steps at the place i stayed. i like them

many times i walked down this road by myself to go to the beach. by myself

Really big stuffed animals at this really big toy store. dun need go zoo. check out the little boy at the right. he is molesting the kangaroo.

mum is cooler than me cos she daos the camera

the view from the apartment, i swam in the pool when i was bored

sand.

the houses look unreal

fountain

huge stuffed animals at this very big toy store

the abovementioned really big toy store. and they have random egypt looking stuff on the walls.

above mentioned walls

the shopping centre has nice arches. starbucks everwhere

i have no idea why, but they have like, museum displays in the shopping centre also.

mum and dad

i wish

i wish you would give me the time of the day, so maybe trying to (do what exactly? find happiness?) wouldnt be so hard.

instead you ignore me, and i back down with my tail between my legs like the coward i always was.

i feel like i will never be forgiven for my mistakes

there's no one to tell.

Nana and i were jogging just now. I was persuading her to go on round 2

Me: okay, second round, let's go let's go!
Nana: Huh??? Don't want!
Me: Who's the one with the wedgie?
Nana:......

WEDGIE. hahahahaha.

i think one of my friends who already has two more internships than me applied for the same one i did. Sigh. now it's oversubscribed. I have this feeling i wont get it, and she will cos this is the kind of sucky thing that happens to me.

infinitely undesired. INFINITELY. rejectable.

DOOBAI

time to reflect on my trip to dubai. It was nice overall. AND, i was damn lonely without my siblings. I think the best thing to come out from that trip is that I treasure my siblings and just, their presence alot more now. Especially Mamat and Nana. I realise they are actually real dearies. I love them to bits.

I am really good at ignoring random people.

I get lonely.

Singapore weather is goooood :)

Some people are wealthy and some people live by their teeth on their skin. Life is just unfair like that. There is very little justice in the world.

therefore, I recognise that sometimes, I have a misplaced sense of justice, and I should stop whining and kicking up a fuss and torturing myself with anger when I feel things are unfair. And get on with the programme. But when wrongs can be righted, they should be of course.

written 24th May 2005:

U r like an onion with many layers, just a little bit is enough to flavour anyone's life, u attract people with ur tangy scent, but u can also make them cry, and you cannot be replaced by any other spice.

Did i really write that? The words flowed so easily then, I remember. Words I can't seem to find again. I've forgotten the feeling, the rush, everything. Everything that used to make me feel alive.
It really scares the shit out of me sometimes, because I will fall flat and dull again without it. You added the life into me, like waking me up. I dont want to lose it. What do i do? What can i do?

Who knows, by the time I'm unconscious I may have churned out 5 entries. May I will chart history and be the first ever sleep-blogger (like sleepwalking only sleepblogging). The next wave after twitter.

Sentences like these are why I do not get internships and why adults (people in general) find it hard to take me seriously. Woe is me.

Moving on from the self-pity (this is becoming my favourite word, ugh).

You're like an onion

You are like an onion, with many layers. You're an essential spice, and flavours many lives and dishes. You have the ability to make others tear and touch them even as they make use of you, (as people are apt to do). Born as a root, you and nourish the plant life above you, allowing it to green and flourish, but the plant dies as you are taken away from it, uprooted from the ground. I never did have the courage to peel those layers and risk the tears. To cling on and pull you back as we were both uprooted.

Heavily modified. Lemme go check what the original is.