there are things

there are things that you can tell me without telling me anything.

there are things i will keep unsaid.

there are things that are beyond my ability, my understanding, my courage to overcome

there are things that i can instill and changes i can make in myself.

there are good intentions, plans and action.

there is reflecting and learning from the past.

there is trying, and more trying, and more trying.

but is there redemption? is there a way to fix the mistakes you made because you didn't know any better? a way for the squandered opportunities to come around again?

even if there isn't, there is life, and it goes on.

it goes on, my friend.

you say i can always let it go. what you don't know is that most of the time i don't say what i mean, i dont act how i feel, i dont look how i am, i dont do what i want.

so much so it feels like my physical self is a separate being from my mental self. everytime i let it go, i let something else go, another link between my spririt and my body, and when the soul is detached from the self, isn't that not living? isn't that not living?

one day i will find something for real. one day i will hurt, and i will love, and i will lose, i will be rejected and i will have. someone will tell me something real, and it may not be pretty, and not ideal, but it will be real. one day i will stop being a pretence, and my soul will actually run in my blood, and in my limbs and the air that i breathe and everyone will see that i am real, not a caricature, flawed and detestable, and ambitious and selfish, and greedy, and prideful, and most of all irrritating, and i will be glad. i will be glad. i want to live in my own skin, and be happy when i look at myself in the mirror.

i dont want to be a character. i dont want to be the person you have in your mind anymore. cast me out into the cold and look at me. do any of you really see me?