Words

i feel like im living in between the lines

Andy Hong

A while ago (3 years? 4 years? Does it really matter anymore?) I asked you why my name never appeared in your blog. And you replied, "You don't take up space in my blog cos you occupy double space in my heart".

So here it is. Your name in my diary, one whole post titled in the honour of your name, in the hope you will fade away from my heart. You're a tale now, like a story in a children's book written in the past tense, full of glossy colours on a flat surface, memories you look at running your hand over the pictures, touching nothing except for the smooth cold surface of a book. You're a chapter that's passed, and I guess you will never appear to twist the plots and save the day in the chapters that follow.

What a chapter that was, but characters in a story are none the wiser for the way they touch the reader.

i'm afraid im one of those people who take life seriously.

you have only one life don't you? and you're living it every second. who's going to wonder about the best way to live your life if not yourself?

and i do wonder.

how to be better, how to stop wanting to be better, how to just be, how to be happy, who's going to give me the answer, who's going to be the answer, where and what the truth is, how to be truthful and courageous and mostly, how to be better, and happier.

so i do wonder. does this mean im too serious?

i seriously (haha) don't think so. cos i know how to laugh and have fun.

i laugh, i have fun when i can, i smile when i can, but mostly, i just try, it's all i can do.

confuddle

sometimes i really really wonder if i will ever be in love again, or if all this pretending is going to catch up on me.

i want so badly to believe, because i know it's such a powerful feeling, like being on performance drugs. i want to believe i can have that, someday, and that a love like that will last forever, that you can have that enhanced,essential feeling for as long as you are in love. but logically, i dun think that's possible, and that's where the unknown starts isn't it? Cos i know the rush, but i don't know what happens after. will it be a good thing, but in a different way? or just plain different, faded away and not so good? does it mean that you shouldn't start off so intense and in love, but just find someone you can really get along with and depend on, just for the long haul stability sake?

What the hell am i talking about, actually? i dont even think i'll make it on the starting line.

logically, i have to get attached/married someday right? cos im nota super ambitious independent and driven woman who finds fulfillment in a career and is okay being alone. but at the same time, i just can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because i cant imagine myself with anyone at all. does this person who is supposed to be my companion, partner and soulmate even exist?

"You ever heard the expression 'The best things in live are free?' Well that expression is true. Every once in a while, people step up they rise above themselves sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard but if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

job and money

i am working in this promoter job, and it kinda sucks, but i guess im learning to tolerate it and the pay isnt bad. Would i prefer a job where i'm running around and carrying heavy things and doing housekeeping? (read: daiso). Not necesssarily. I just wish i had better luck with the customers. But again, it's out of my control. Or is it? Hmm.

Anw, as with jobs like this, you can't wait for the pay to come in.

I want to buy:

1)Formal shirts, skirts, and pants. Long sleeved and short sleeved, more white shirts.
2)A good pair of high heels or court shoes.
3)A dress for Tere's birthday.
4)SD white (hehe) for myself. Gammahydroxy for mum. Pay mum's $50.
5)Money to give Diana and Dingjiao a treat.
6)Bra.
7)A gift for lesley (budget: $20-$30)
8)Pay for my 20 km run.
9)Movies! Last house on the left, 500 days of summer, Inglourious Basterds, Up!
10)With money left over, an MP3 player

Sigh :) Maybe I will stick with the job after all. And try my best to do better.

thank you, God

Alhamdulillah.
i got the AGC internship. It couldn't have come at a better time. I am going to treasure it and make the best of the experience because i am pretty sure divine intervention helped me get the internship.

i know to some, the last sentence i just typed is ridiculous and laughable, but i just like to think that Allah is on my side, ok? Everything happens or a reason and all that. This philosophy comes in handy when things are out of your control.

Wow. 15 minutes later and she's still at it. Airing her grievances. Lucky im lisening to youtube at fullblast or my patience wouldn't have made it. Savage garden nice lyrics :)

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection

But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined

She's saying, Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream

Mummy

Dear Mak,
Why don't you cut me a break sometime. You're never happy, and i am sick of it. See things in a different way, take another point of view why don't you. Too bad all you can see is how right you are all of the time. You. Right, right, right rightright and we're always wrong. All other kids are better than you're own. We are always selfish. You are always victimised. If i have to hear the same tired thing one more time I really think I will vomit. Cut me a break. Take a break from your tired complaints at the same time! Things aren't as bad as you always, always think.

I know this is completely childish and mean-spirited, but tolerating you makes me miss Bapak so much more.

because life is about to become more boring, it will become more interesting

i am finally tired of waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet.
I'm tired.
I am gonna give myself a chance to have someone. Someone for me, someone who can belong to me and i to him. not shadows, not ghosts, not guilt. No more. I know i deserve more than that.

Where is this person, who will absolve me?

How to be happy

If you must be, be happy
If you must choose, choose laughter.
And throw away all in your heart that is bitter.
If you feel like the darkness is closing in,
Dun try to run, just close your eyes, do this simple thing
And find a place in ur memories that is bright
Sooner or later your heart will feel light
Freed from burdens, troubles and worries,
Even those insecurities.
And you'll find that there's nothing to it, to be happy
And you'll see that you really are lucky.

sometimes, you just do not know what you're doing

ditto.

but i thinkkk
as long as you know what you're doing more times than the moments you just do not know, it's okay right?

right?

it's all i can hope for in my situation anyway. im tired of self-restraint and dulling the edges

wandering thru a poorly-lit botanical gardens

I was really happy for a long time today. Really satisfied and peaceful, and just, happy :). this is the kind of feeling you want to capture in a bottle and lock in ur heart and mind to get you through all the other times. A happiness that is so tangible it surrounds and envelops you in a feeling of well-being like a protective coat, so real you can almost cut through it with a knife.

And so i wonder, is this what it takes to be happy? Playing childhood games barefoot on the field, slip sliding on the wet grass, laughing and shouting our joy, rolling around in mirth, like children. Lujia called it "playing hard".

I know what else gives me this feeling. You used to. Every letter you wrote, every msn conversation we had, and the time you held my hand. Gave me this feeling.

I am sosososos glad i found it back, one slice, for one moment today.

is there any such thing as a white lie?

i am capable of lying to save face.
i am capable of lying to my heart.
i am capable of lying about how i really feel.

solat

now all i need to do is keep 5 times a day :)

i can do it.

coming to terms with the "situation"...a true kinship

i know i sound pretentious in the above title.
but ironically, for once, for once i don't think im lying to myself at all.

because this really is true, he is in my mind, my dear adopted brother. We're so alike, and we get along so well, we must have been separated at birth :D i feel i can always count on him, when i am unhappy, like an older brother.

(but i'll still have to tell him someday what lesley advised me. that would really be breaking the sound barrier)

I REALLY WUFFFFF TERESA YAP KIAT WOON.

guilty feet have got no rhythm

i am unable to withstand hunger. I should find that equilibrium though.

I want to be like Rumo, who thinks that just the right amount of hunger will keep him alert and lean and strong. Rumo is a fighter with integrity and he is self-reliant, independent and proud.

He finds his silver thread in the form of a girl Wolperting named Rala, and then he suddenly becomes unsteady and aware of the society around him. He reels. He doesnt even know what hit him, but that he has been searching and following this silver thread. He knows it's powerful.

Kind of like me, when i didnt know what hit me. Except that he doesnt get his strenght from the silver thread, whereas everything about me-- my love of poems, letters, romance, philosophy, metaphors and happiness-- comes from him.

Does it? i dont remember liking it before i met him. But i did use to love reading.

Anyway, back to Rumo. For Rumo, the silver thread (who happens to be Rala) is extremely important, even though it is not immediate and essential in his life. He has so many of struggles to go through in society. Rights and duties, fitting in, fighting his battles, learning social skills. But it is apparent that he would drop all that and leave Wolperting if Rala wanted it. Because Rala is his silver thread, the one who makes him reel and become unsteady, his raison d'etre, the reason he is in Wolperting and society. When he signed the document with the mayor, he signed it because the mayor told him his silver thread was in Wolperting.

He knew he loved her before he met her. And now that he has found her.

I wonder how the rest of the story will unfold.

It's that simple isn't it? Love. We all know we have a silver thread no matter who we are and what we are doing. If we find the silver thread, we have found the reason.

how to be a good person on the inside?

i know i will do the right thing,
but it would be nice if i could feel the right thing to go along with it.

i will take lesley's advice on the dummy's guide to making ur heart catch up with your brain

no luck

when all you have is time, and no luck at all, it seems that what you wanna do sometimes is just crawl into a hole and hide. i am trying, but nothing is happening.

love's divine

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Solat

so what exactly am i waiting for?

You LAZY, UNGRATEFUL, HYPOCRITICAL person

Megan Fox. She's... dare i say intriguing?

Dance, Subaru

Gosh, im so envious of Miyamoto Subaru. First of all, she's beautiful. She's cool and strong and at the same time able to feel so strongly that she loses herself. And lastly, she knows exactly what she's supposed to do in her life. And she is able to perform when she is like suffering and in pain. So much conviction, really. And she doesn't pine after any guy. Cos she finds beauty and meaning in what she loves to do.

So cool gosh. Subaru is my screen idol and Marie is my voice idol.

Sometimes i'm so envious of beautiful women but sometimes i think it's just as great to be able to appreciate beauty.

The oracle of Delphi: Know Thyself

so that you may live the life you were meant to live...

:D

I won't give up.