I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.

Hafiz.

I look at you, and I see a way for me to redeem myself.
To fill up the gaping holes left by fear, uncertainty, doubts and insecurities.
To fill up the the missing words, the swallowed feelings, the lost thoughts, the unspoken opinions.
If I say something, would you say something in reply, and would it go on, till we discover what the possibilities are,
Or would you shut me down.
I want to learn about myself, I want to be a normal person, I want to hold someone's hand and know what give and take and real relationships are like.
I'll never know now, because I've decided to walk down the lonely road again, and i can't turn around.
Maybe you'll be another Regret.
Maybe I've lost another chance to redeem myself.

the chivalrous one.

You are like-
An old school classic Pride and Prejudice style
Gentleman.
The kind that's supposed to have died out by today.
By today,
When the girls are more free,
When they think they are independent
When they want more,
When they still do not know what they want,
You flounder,
And I watch you from a distance and wonder why that is.
You are good and strong like a safety net made of the strongest cotton
The kind that would never hurt you,
Always catch you,
Always be there.
And for that I am thankful that you are part of my life
That I stumbled into your world,
And remained your friend
And I wonder.

my sister's wedding.

she's happy, and suddenly, that is the only thing that matters.
a new member of our famiy.

You are falling in love again. This time
it is a South American general's daughter.
You want to be stretched on the rack again.
You want to hear awful things said to you
and to admit these things are true.
You want to have unspeakable acts
committed against your person, things
nice people don't talk about in classrooms.
You want to tell everything you know
on Simon Bolivar, on Jorge Luis Borges,
on yourself most of all.
You want to implicate everyone in this!
Even when it's four o'clock in the morning
and the lights are burning still -
those lights that have been burning night and day
in your eyes and brain for two weeks -
and you are dying for a smoke and a lemonade,
but she won't turn off the lights that woman
with the green eyes and little ways about her,
even when you want to be her gaucho.
Dance with me, you imagine hearing her say
as you reach for the empty beaker of water.
Dance with me, she says again and no mistake.
She picks this minute to ask you, hombre,
to get up and dance with her in the nude.
No, you don't have the strength of a fallen leaf,
not the strength of a little reed basket
battered by waves on Lake Titicaca.
But you bound out of bed
just the same, amigo, you dance
across wide open spaces.

once upon a time, i didn't give a damn

there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me

don't give up on me

please.

not allowed

You're not allowed to be sad, you're not allowed to miss anyone, you'e not allowed to be angry, you're not allowed to be disappointed, you're not allowed to fall behind, you're not allowed to be a disappointment, you're not allowed to be bad, you're not allowed to be good.

you're not allowed to hope

Alhamdulillah

thank you for helping me find a pupillage.
thank you for granting me peace and satisfaction.
thank you.

what if u lost everything?

what if you lost everything that meant anything to you?
You'd have to start all over again.

he isnt there

He didn't comfort you in your time of crisis.
It is time for you to stop wasting your time.
And face the fact that this isn't the right person, and now is not the right time.

you never miss the water till it's gone

irony is when you do not put your wallet straight back into your back against your better judgment.

painful irony is losing your wallet the very day after you withdrew $50 from the atm.

cruel irony is that the wallet contains all your cards. ALL YOUR CARDS. Every single last one. Now i will know what it costs to replace each one.

excruciating irony is losing the wallet someone gave you for your birhtday, which you loved so very much.

irony becomes a joke when all this happens the day before you know whether or not you are offered a job.

matric card: $50.
i/c: $100.
ez-link: $28.
cashcard: $10.
cash: $40.
atm card: $5.
total loss: $240 plus one beautiful gift of a black leather wallet from my lovely friend.

the lesson that loss teaches you: priceless.

this could have bought me a goddamn iphone. ok you know what, im going to get my goddamn iphone by this summer.

and, I am going to be less absent-minded and treasure my things ALOT more now.