a tight grip

I know now, why it was so hard to let go.
Because I wanted it so much, so much.

I should be the one behind the wheel.

I will find myself on my own two feet, and I won't depend on friends as a security blanket. New friends are there to be made.

I will separate the real and true from the fake, and I will let go of the people who don't mean anything to me.

I wrap myself in my family's love, and cherish my parents more. Be a good daughter, sister, lady and muslim.

I will forgive with my heart sincerely, and I will move on strong.

I will keep hoping when I fail.

I will let peace take over my heart and my mind, I will open my eyes and trust myself to take care of ME.

"Ah, Love" by Linda Pastan

Ah, Love

you expert
knifethrower, outlining my body

with your gleaming blades
as I stand trembling here

against the bedroom wall.
I was distracted

for months by the color
of your flowers,

by all your flowery
words, for where you come from

it is always tropical.
Now I am ready for you

to do your worst. Look,
I am opening my blouse--here

is my uncovered heart.
Just aim for it.

Sooner or later

I will never let your memory go.

Never.

To Hell With Real Boys

i can't understand them at all.

from now on, fuck it, i am going to have an imaginary boyfriend.

just like i had an imaginary bedroom with a fireplace and lots of rooms, and a garden and fairies with a woods nearby. just like i had an imaginary club and imaginary adventures when i was younger.

now im going to have me an imaginary boyfriend.

Fear.

what if you're just going to be unhappy in the future? What if you're miserable in your paper-pushing job? What if you get a gpa below 3.0, what if you fail the bar?
What if this is all wrong for you?
What if you never find true love?
what if you'll be lonely and miserable forever?
what if everyone leaves you and you fall behind, and you forget how to speak of your feelings and you fail to feel at all?
What if everyone gets their happy ending but you?

if it's a matter of how much you want it.

it's time for me to get that A- for a law module.