post call blues

So this is how it feels to be affected by an event. Mass call was yesterday, tomorrow im officially starting work as a first yearassociate. All my life ive never really been bothered by "mile stones". I have always ,managed to distance myself from the institutions i joined, like sec sch, jc, and uni, and never felt the sorrow of parting with those institutions. Graduation never meant much to me. But now, its different. Its so different i feel compelled to write about it. I must be feeling the sorrow of parting? But not parting with a sch or friends... Its parting with childhood, surely. It is the end of innocence, of cluelessness, of unintentional mistakes, of mucking ard and being able to be vague and not give two hoots either way. Surely, i have to grow up now. My time has star ted. To run out. And i miss you right now. I miss not being able to tell you what has happened and how i feel abt it. I dont miss the way things were, of course. Me forced to build walls beause of the invisible knife you had in your hand. But i realise that i might have been cruel towards you too. Maybe neither of us were fair to the other. Maybe recognising this is part of growing up. Still i miss you. Maybe tmr ill text you. But in all odds, i probably wont. I wish you well, friend. I need to stop havinh feelings for ppl who will never tell me they have feelings for me too. Who will never give any indication, who will never get me out of living in my head. Maybe its a choice, who to like. I want to choose rightly now. I want to vet my choices and be careful. Because living only in my head may give me all the choices i want, but guess, its stillfantasyland and i still get dealt the sad and alone card. So goodbye allen. You are yet another guy who will never tell me what i need to hear.