Acne

I am getting that panicky stressed out feeling again when I look in the mirror and see the red angry welts and black marks on my face. U.G.H. I remember freaking out in JC and actually crying and feeling suicidal over it one night. I wanted to take a kinfe to my skin and draw blood. Or to my face to dig out my acne. Looking back, I really wonder how I pulled through that night, that whole period in general? To feel so ugly, and not know what's causing it and how to fix, and to make things worse and to crave for your face to get better right away. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ughhhh. And now I feel like I'm being pulled back like an irresistible magnet to that place. It's not like I haven't tried anything! I've tried. I've spent what, close to $6000 now on facials? I've tried going off milk, I've tried drinking more water. I tried antibiotics. I've tried damnit! I dread the thought of going out tomorrow so so so so much. I need to pile on the makeup, and even that won't really conceal anything, just make me feel like my face is halfway more acceptable to look at. So shut up ok? Yes, I really spent that much. Yes, it didn't work. It isn't your cross to bear, so it's easy for you to say I'm doing something expensive and useless. Really, shut up. I remember how insensitive you were when I was having my exams. You scolded me about my acne and made me cry while I was eating lunch. I don't know what's your problem sometimes. Do you think I wished this on myself,like I wanted to waste all that freaking money??? It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend. It's no wonder no one like me. My face is gross, ok. SO PLEASE. Just shut up about it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at my wits end. I'm tired of this fight. of not even knowing how to fight this fight, what to do next. I just need a break. I'm 24. It's not getting better. I;ve lived with it for the better part of 8 years. I'm so tired of feeling ugly and cursed