it never works out, its never a surprise, yet it never stops hurting

There's a pattern that has repeated itself countless times in my life, and yet i never mastered the art of not letting it hurt me.

update

So i've been meaning to write, it seems yet again that it's been a long time since i last wrote. I found the words couldn't flow, and so i read through my previous entries.

I must say I write pretty interestingly. Haha. But nothing much has happened to me lately. No crummy internships, no feeling victimised, no anger, no injustices, no guilt, no longing, no emptiness and no lonesliness yet. Perhaps these feelings are what pushes the words out till they spill and tumble out on the blank pages of this virtual space that is all mine, and only for me.

Shall I talk about what has been good so far then?

Well, my internship with jtjb has been a relatively good experience. I met some really lovely and kind-hearted people interns, associates and secretaries, a really genuine but slightly angsty lawyer, and an amicable managing partner. I learnt alot, truly, and I am very grateful for that. I do believe that i have expressed my thanks adequately too. My eyes were opened abit more in how the world works, although i must say, in a rather sadistic and ironic way, i didnt learn as much as through my horrendous experience at RWW. but that was transient, and this is permanent. for permanent, good pleasant and nice is ideal :)

meet ups with relatives and old friends, travel plans for the future. well wishes and hearing compliments.:)

And i think someone at jtjb took kind of an interest in me, and i did something proactive for once! though it will probably not work out, i needn't regret the silence, and the hesitation and the passivity that becomes my bane much too often.

i told Z, who is the long-suffering listener of my lack-of-love cmoplaints, that im really much happier now, "for I am free of KP"

And though i may forget, I will always go back to those words, and know in my heart it is true. I miss him,yes, but what once used to feel like...a capricious load dragging my heart and spirit up and down is now a light speck that flits around in the caverns of my heart unguided, aimless. A shadow of its former self.

And I folded up the frayed ends with A too.

Need to write my internship report tmr...

calling all angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak2p1MqFMKA

All of my life, I've been waiting.

When will it be my turn?

I feel like the fight is going out of me.

Here I am, 22nd June 2010, in my third year of law school, going on to my fourth year. I will be graduating soon. I don’t know why I have been avoiding writing in my blog. It crosses my mind that I should write every so often but then I put it off, I think that I will write another time. This blog is still important to me, more so than ever now actually. Now that things are clearer, now that I am one year older than I was last summer, now that I am more aware of myself and how the world around me works. Now that the people that I got to know over the past year (Hafiz, Kuo Ping, John, Teresa, Ezzah, Melanie) are fading, fading amicably and softly from my life.

I am alone. I find myself alone, once again.

But being alone is not so bad. I can’t… get used to it, certainly not. But I can live with it, I can accept it, I can handle it better. I don’t love it, and I don’t loathe it. It’s just the state one is at some moments in their life, sometimes when they need support the most. And that’s when one discover that one can handle things alone, and in discovering oneself, you become a better companion when with others, better when with other people.

I learnt the true meaning of “berani kerana benar”. It means being courageous when you’re in the right. I learnt that the ability and luxury of being courageous is actually one of the most exhilarating, rewarding and empowering things in the world. But a pre-requisite of the privilege of being brave and standing up for yourself, is that you have to be right. You have to be certain that you are right, not one step out of place, not one inch wrong. I am going to make sure that I am as diligent and careful as I need to be so that I may always be right. This is not easy and I will need to make some sacrifices and change my habits, but it’s worth it. I have been making and admitting mistakes for too long, and it’s debilitating. I want to be a righteous person now. I want that confidence and courage that comes along with it.

I’m learning to love myself, everyday. To see my values. To trust myself. And yet to be less self-absorbed. I’ve yet to learn to speak my mind out loud.

I am very grateful for the parents that I have, especially my daddy.

I’m still learning how to network properly, and to be sincere about it at the same time.

I still need people. I need to tell them things about myself, I need to spill my guts, I need to connect. This is perhaps something I cannot change about myself. I hope one day I will find that someone that I can always turn to, without hesitating, feeling guilty, wondering whether I should, whether I’m cheap and transparent, whether it’s my place and my right, whether I’m giving away a part of myself, or whether I’m imposing. Turning to him will be the most perfect and natural thing in the world.

I’m still learning to turn to God.

Till I write again, always your ever faithful but not always present,
Khalisa Jamalludin.

i can't give up on you.

ask anything of me.
make me wait a thousand minutes, a thousand years. i'll keep waiting because that's all i can do. i have no choice because i look everywhere in every corner, been down every road, but nothing fills my blood with the same poison you did. the poison that's intoxicated me permanently. no one else has given me the same high since.

there's hope yet, so ask anything of me, except to give you up. im stripped bare, i have nothing left to lose. i'll go anywhere, i'll do anything.

just please.

give me another chance.

please, i can't give up on you. on what used to be.

a tight grip

I know now, why it was so hard to let go.
Because I wanted it so much, so much.