Believer

You say it to yourself and to any who might ask; You are a believer. But how just how much do you live in your faith and practice what you profess? What do you believe, and when you've decided, just how much does it mean to you? If it does not mean enough to be lived by, the tenets and pillars of your belief reflected and affirmed in your actions and daily habits, what does it reflect of yourself?

Hypocrite? Or just..weak? Weak of flesh, a human being struggling and forgetting in this world?

I am weak. I am infirm, I break my promises to God and I make them again when i need God's help. I forget to be thankful for everyday alive and whole, i always see what i lack and not what He has blessed me with.

I can only ask for his Forgiveness, and keep trying as long as by his will, i keep breathing, and hoping, and trying to be good.

it's never too late to be what you might have been
- George Elliot

First Day of Internship and I am having a quarter life crisis

And today she told us not to be too angsty about the future, and things will happen. You have to START somewhere.

The future is happening as we speak, and I am really unprepared. I just want to get better grades, and why is that so hard?

Next semester, it is DO OR DIE.

I wish I could stop liking him. And caring about him. And feeling cared for by him.

One day you stop, and realise most of your life is a lie, and you think your going to drown in all your lies.

Hm.

Do I have weird ideas sex? I don't want to have sex before marriage. That's all. That's not an idea is it? It's more like a stand.

But what if...

What if I wait till marriage and sex with my husband is not that great but I don't know any better cos I've never had any other experience and thus I can't help him to make sex better and in general i don't know how to be good in bed as a woman? that kind of situation arising from lack of knowledge would just be a shame. Imagine if my future husband is equally chaste. it would debilitate things.

Is it possible that having prior sexual experience will make sex with your husband better, as good as it can possibly be?

WHY do I not want to have sex before marriage anw? why do i think it's so bad and somehow sacrosanct? Is it tied to religion or the way I was brought up? Maybe...maybe i think im already so bad and sinful that if i do have sex, God will somehow not forgive me. turn his back on me maybe

But it does cross my mind in fleeting moments. Like Marie said, I need a touch to tell me I'm real. I've never even held anyone's hand romantically. That is kind of just sad.

Everyone needs touch don't they? i get it now. I don't want sex. I want someone to touch me in love and in a way that says he thinks i'm beautiful and he wants to take care of me.

Like that's ever going to happen.

What I can't remember
Is a lot like water
Trickling down a page
Of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
On the moment that I became like this

I shrink down to nothing
At the thought of someone really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
And tangled up in winding weeds

These hands that I hold behide my back
Are bound and broken from my own doing
And I can't feel anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real

My soul
It's dying to be free
I can't live the rest of my life so guarded
It's dying to be free
It's up to me to choose
What kind of life I lead

'Cause, I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet are trembling
Every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all

everyone in my life

Dear Family,
I would like you to support me sometimes. I am trying as best as I can, but I do not really know how to control the world, and I really need your support to help me once in a while

Dear Friends,
Thank you for being my friends, and being such great company. I really have no complaints. My life in school will be alot more miserable without you.

Dear random person,
I do not really care about what you care about, but thanks for wanting to hang out with me and giving me a lift in your cool ride.

Dear Kor Kor,
I cant hate you. I cant love you either. But we can be friends, cos you're a very very good guy.

Dear people in the working world which I am hoping to enter,
Please accept me into the fray. I may not be sophisticated enough, but I certainly am trying to get there.

"flick the switch?"

if you can't be honest about what you feel, then you really aren't honest about your life.
and it's not my problem if you can't be honest. i refuse to let it be my problem, to affect me and get me down.

i want to live my life as truely as possible, and i can't, not really, if you're in it the way you are. we've been friends, it's been great, we've used each other, you've helped me. thanks for the ride, but this is where im getting off, gradually.

what it comes down to:

I want someone who's emotionally honest.