i have issues

i like to think im a blank slate, never having been hurt or had my heart broken. But lately im starting to realise that maybe i have issues.

i cant seem to accept any guy who seems to take an interest in me, or even accept the idea that a normal good guy would take an interest in me.

First reaction is Denial. Then Suspicion. Then Distrust and Unconscious Negativity about the guy. Then being Purposely Oblique, playing it cool, frustrating the guy away. this is usually accompanied by Subtle rejection and avoidance.

Andy. Pravin. Maybe Zi qian, and John.

What's wrong with me? I think it's that i do not believe in happy endings. maybe, i don't even believe in love, and everything i ever said about it to anyone who would listen, was like telling a tale from the imagination in my mind.

Do my parents love each other? Is that what love is? My sisters and their screwed up boyfriends. All of them, i know they're settling.

My mother. i cant seem to remember if she ever showed affection to me when i was young. i remember her in her room. i remember her in the kitchen. i always remember her as if she was in the distance when i was young. funny now i think about it. i dont remember her arms around me, or her lips in my hair or her body close to mine. even now...i have this vague feeling she doesnt really, really actually love me that much.

i remember my father. my childhood memories of him are closer, and in different places. i rmb the orange light in the room where he slept and i would ask to sleep in his room, in the spare bed. i rmb nights on the mattress in front of the TV accompanying him watch football. i rmb waiting for him after school. him in the car, the supermarket, the coffeeshop with the pisang goreng, in the hospital, giving me my medicine.

but how come i dont rmb touches? i dont rmb anyone picking me up, or hugging me or kissing me or playing with me tenderly. kids get those right? how come i dont remember?

i don't remember. and now it's like ive forgotten. ive forgotten how to trust, and believe, and how to not be scared, and defensive. Mostly i think ive forgotten how to hope courageously, and not falsely.