I am physically tired, and i think it originates from my soul.

let it hurt until it doesnt matter anymore

I wonder why no-one wants me.

When I was seventeen, a boy wrote letters to me, silly messages of admiration, funny poems, left shyly on my seat, pinned on the class noticeboard in bravado.

We chatted online, we shared jokes and thoughts and opinions. But he never really talked to me in real life, except to gaze lingeringly at me.

I was waiting for him to say that he liked me, to make it real. he didn't, and 2 years later he just stopped talking to me. He just stopped.

In university, there is this boy who blushes when he talks to me, who sends me home, who carries my stuff for me and listens to my troubles. I don't feel a thing for him. He has never told me he liked me.

There's another guy who took a passing interest in me,and asked me out on a few dates, but I grew to dislike his personality, and avoid him conscientiously now.

My best guy friend tells me there is someone for me because i am kind and thoughtful and patient.

And then there's this wonderful and sweet boy. we stay up late to chat. he asks me out for lunch and dinner and to study. he tells me knowing me is the best thing that has happened to him in university, that im interesting and funny and cute and angelic and that is a dangerous combination. he's the one i want to run to when im troubled. he eases my troubles, and i know i can count on him to be there.

he has a girlfriend. he has never told me he likes me.

i've stopped being close friends with him, because it was the only way i could go on, sane and with my self-respect intact

Guys seem to take a passing interest in me, but no-one stops long enough to really want me and stay with me, and take my hand and make it real.
and i wonder why that is.

i feel like crying when i see a couple, because it seems like something i will never have. inside me i feel there is a river of sorrow, and everytime i fall and hope, the river fills up again.

im 22 now. and i feel old, so much older than the girl i was at 17, when i fell in love and longing for the first time.

i pray that the river inside me hardens

chin up

don't you know that you don't have to be sad?
that you don't have to feel sorry for yourself?
that happiness is a choice, that doesn't depend on other people,
it depends on yourself?

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

Choke

"if you don't have something to fight for, then it's only something to fight against.

show me something better than this."

prima facie unfair

this situation,
is prima facie unfair.
i'm applying to set it aside or have it dismissed,
on policy reasons of friendship and comity,
and in the interest of all parties involved.
and most of all because it's unjust,
unjust to me.
but if a dismissal is to much to ask,
hear my other prayer for a stay,
till amendments can be made,
to my heart and my hopes,
for a more appropriate nature of claim.
don't ask me for further and better particulars,
if i tried to go on a discovery of what's really going on.
it's an adventure that would never stop,
never end,
never have a plain and obvious outcome.
aside from plain and obvious personal hurt.
and if you grant the opposing side a writ for seizure,
remember he's got his garnishee,
remember that i ahve only me,
and my little dignity, and my little pride,
whatever that amounts to in the face of the court.
i am not defenceless,
empower me,
hear my prayer,
grant me strength,
give me extension after extension,
as long as i keep backsliding on this addiction.
im addicted to this....this this,
and isn't it clear,
that it's prima facie unfair?

don't pine over what you can't have

i am a lucky girl.

i have loving parents, who are pretty stable and supportive.
i love my kind, gentle and thoughtful father. i love my mother just for the fact that she's my mother and she always wants the best for me.

i have good friends, old and new. they are not perfect, but they care about me. they care about my feelings, and my worries, and they help me when they can, and tolerate the best they can my failings.

i don't have a boyfriend. i dont have someone who loves me, who i can tell everything, who shares the same dreams, and speak wonderful words of love and commitment and mean them.

but i have a heart, and i have dreams. i am just a girl. i have my strenghts and weaknesses and everyday i learn how to be better. i am going to be good, so that when that perfect someone falls into my life, i will be good enough for him.

sometimes i think it's dangerous to have dreams like this, because love is not perfect, and there is no such thing as the perfect guy.

i am a lucky girl.

and lucky and hopeful is enough for now.