Words

i feel like im living in between the lines

Andy Hong

A while ago (3 years? 4 years? Does it really matter anymore?) I asked you why my name never appeared in your blog. And you replied, "You don't take up space in my blog cos you occupy double space in my heart".

So here it is. Your name in my diary, one whole post titled in the honour of your name, in the hope you will fade away from my heart. You're a tale now, like a story in a children's book written in the past tense, full of glossy colours on a flat surface, memories you look at running your hand over the pictures, touching nothing except for the smooth cold surface of a book. You're a chapter that's passed, and I guess you will never appear to twist the plots and save the day in the chapters that follow.

What a chapter that was, but characters in a story are none the wiser for the way they touch the reader.

i'm afraid im one of those people who take life seriously.

you have only one life don't you? and you're living it every second. who's going to wonder about the best way to live your life if not yourself?

and i do wonder.

how to be better, how to stop wanting to be better, how to just be, how to be happy, who's going to give me the answer, who's going to be the answer, where and what the truth is, how to be truthful and courageous and mostly, how to be better, and happier.

so i do wonder. does this mean im too serious?

i seriously (haha) don't think so. cos i know how to laugh and have fun.

i laugh, i have fun when i can, i smile when i can, but mostly, i just try, it's all i can do.

confuddle

sometimes i really really wonder if i will ever be in love again, or if all this pretending is going to catch up on me.

i want so badly to believe, because i know it's such a powerful feeling, like being on performance drugs. i want to believe i can have that, someday, and that a love like that will last forever, that you can have that enhanced,essential feeling for as long as you are in love. but logically, i dun think that's possible, and that's where the unknown starts isn't it? Cos i know the rush, but i don't know what happens after. will it be a good thing, but in a different way? or just plain different, faded away and not so good? does it mean that you shouldn't start off so intense and in love, but just find someone you can really get along with and depend on, just for the long haul stability sake?

What the hell am i talking about, actually? i dont even think i'll make it on the starting line.

logically, i have to get attached/married someday right? cos im nota super ambitious independent and driven woman who finds fulfillment in a career and is okay being alone. but at the same time, i just can't imagine myself being in a relationship, because i cant imagine myself with anyone at all. does this person who is supposed to be my companion, partner and soulmate even exist?

"You ever heard the expression 'The best things in live are free?' Well that expression is true. Every once in a while, people step up they rise above themselves sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard but if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back."

job and money

i am working in this promoter job, and it kinda sucks, but i guess im learning to tolerate it and the pay isnt bad. Would i prefer a job where i'm running around and carrying heavy things and doing housekeeping? (read: daiso). Not necesssarily. I just wish i had better luck with the customers. But again, it's out of my control. Or is it? Hmm.

Anw, as with jobs like this, you can't wait for the pay to come in.

I want to buy:

1)Formal shirts, skirts, and pants. Long sleeved and short sleeved, more white shirts.
2)A good pair of high heels or court shoes.
3)A dress for Tere's birthday.
4)SD white (hehe) for myself. Gammahydroxy for mum. Pay mum's $50.
5)Money to give Diana and Dingjiao a treat.
6)Bra.
7)A gift for lesley (budget: $20-$30)
8)Pay for my 20 km run.
9)Movies! Last house on the left, 500 days of summer, Inglourious Basterds, Up!
10)With money left over, an MP3 player

Sigh :) Maybe I will stick with the job after all. And try my best to do better.

thank you, God

Alhamdulillah.
i got the AGC internship. It couldn't have come at a better time. I am going to treasure it and make the best of the experience because i am pretty sure divine intervention helped me get the internship.

i know to some, the last sentence i just typed is ridiculous and laughable, but i just like to think that Allah is on my side, ok? Everything happens or a reason and all that. This philosophy comes in handy when things are out of your control.