if my pride was tangible and i could gather it and pile it up in my hands, how big would it be and how much would it weigh?

I cannot forgive you for not telling me if you're working on the case that might destroy the firm I'm working in. Because for once in quite a long time, I realise I'm pretty contented. Pretty happy. I feel I could work with this, you know. This job. It gives me space and time to breathe, and be myself. Get the recognition and trust that I crave, and friendships that I enjoy.

The suit threatens that. You're my friend. You should've told me if you knew. If you cared at all.

It's ok to hurt, it won't hurt forever.
It's ok to be angry, and confused, and weak.

One day it'll all fall into place.

"He will be your next target."

I hated it when you said that. I know you meant no malice of course, you were just being Mel. Going with your super-strong female instinct, knowing things as if you were born knowing them and telling it like it is.

But still i resented it, because you meant it. You didnt mean it as a joke. And if you really knew me, i've only really been in love with only two guys in my entire life. Andy and Allen. That deserves a little acknowledgement doesn't it? It's not like I'm ready to fall in love with any guy that comes along.

And why can't ppl respect that I go with my gut instincts when I make all decisions in life. REALLY i do. i dont plan things, i dont calculate them and weigh all options and have a flowchart for how my life will pan out. trust me, i wish i did. maybe i dont because i'm too afraid of disapointment. so that makes me a coward. so what? kindly mind your own tepi kain.

it also makes everything that happens an anecdote. i like to make ppl laugh and be amused. but my anecdotes are also my failures. don't you see? every anecdote is the lack of success. so laugh, but don't ever make fun, and don't presume you know the next thing about me and how i will come across my anecdote.

like i said, i dont plan my life. neither should you plan it for me.

I can't decide whether to give up on you or keep hanging on

clear history?

it's good to learn from the past. my mistakes, my experiences, my struggles, the journey i've been through. there is good in the journey by itself.

but sometimes i want to be new. to erase all the negatives i seemed to pick up so easily from all the guys i've fallen for, turned to, found comfort and friendship in, kept secrets from. im tired of picking up and keeping negatives. they seemed to have made a home in my chest and cast a dark cloud over my heart. the best thing is, i dont think i learned anything...

it's like the pop up that says "this browser has 999 cookies" and i just kept pressing "continue". the future is so bleak. perhaps because what im heading to, is already is a page in my past? i dont feel new. i feel trapped, going in reverse.

i still don't get it. she seems so basic and you seem quite different. is that why you're not 100% committed to her? am i just an innocent passer-by that somehow became the side casualty of your doubt.

whatever. i refuse. i make a judgment, right now, that i won't be a part of it anymore. no matter who else is or isn't there.

i wont be like you, or E. i wont be that girl who settles. i'll be with someone who interests and surprises me all the time. i would rather be alone than be with someone i'm not 100% committed to.

challenge to self

I am going to try staying up through the night, and if i succeed, I am SO going to get myself a Burger King breakfast as a reward. :)


but i wish hunger isnt a problem for staying up through the night :(