cutting loose is hard.

Sometimes I think I'm losing colour, I'm fading away.
If I'm not free to feel, then what is left of my essence. If i mute myself, then how do I find my voice? Where does the song in my heart go? How does my heart find a rhythm to keep beating to? Where will my dreams take me, and how do my hopes get pinned?

Most importantly, how will I be happy?

I believe I will. I have to find happiness in the simple things, in the real things, and not try to grasp for things beyond my reach.

It can be done. Sometimes I will feel like crying and giving up, sometimes I will reach the end of my patience and self-discipline, but I won't. I am cutting loose because I want to protect myself. It can be done.

I'll take it one step at a time.

Because this feeling too, shall pass

it's going to be alright, girl

In the coming term, I am going to focus all my efforts and thoughts and emotions into my studies.
I'm going to give it all I've got. I know I can do this. I know I can do better. I am going to bring my A-game, and I'm not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way.

I am going to do right by myself.

Lazy Monday, so I'm going for a lazy run :) And then a lazy shower, and then a lazy time reading up for school and then some lazy tuition.

:) this is as good as it's gonna get

i don't mind. i do mind.

i do not mind if you do not reply my sms.
i do not mind if u do not reply me on msn conversations.
i do not mind if u cancel a meting with me, or decline an invitation to go out or watch a movie.
i do not mind if you tell me you're tired, or sleepy, or busy or going out with your girlfriend or guy friends or internship friends

i do not mind those. in fact, i welcome rejection from you. please reject me more.

i do mind if you sms me at night and in the wee hours of morning.
i do mind when u call me late at night, for no solid purpose other than to ask me nonsensical questions, just because you can't sleep.
i do mind when you call me three times, to finally ask me out in the end.
i do mind when u ask me to watch movies and do not include anyone else in the asking list.

i do mind these things. i wish you would stop doing it.

i dont mind that we chat till 3 in the morning.
i dont mind that we share the same likes, find the same things funny and understand each other.

i do mind that i like you too much, not only as a friend.

i do not mind the fact that i can never win in this game

you don't know me

there are fantasies, and there is reality.

reality always wins.

always.

another one of those things i should know well and good by now

spoke too soon

So today i got screwed, and the way i see it, totally not my fault.
.
.
.
Totally, ok?

My white gold and diamond earring fell off while in the gym shower and although i spent about 10 minutes with my face close to the floor (naked as well as otherwise) all i found was the back part and not the front part, which is strange cos the back part is 10 times smaller and 10 times less shiny.

I love those earrings, ok! I would've worn them for the rest of the summer, and for the rest of the first semester too. Do u know the heartbreak a girl goes through when she loses diamonds, especially diamond with sentimental value? i almost hyperventilated when i thought of those diamonds lying in mud and filth somewhere.

this is not my fault. it just happens to me. i get screwed just becasue my name is Khalisa. Same goes for those Shook Lin & Bok cards.

You would think that after 21 years of living, and finally realising that life is out to get you, i'd be more careful and watch my back more.

Sigh.

feeling normal

i feel devoid and empty of thoughts and feelings. not depressed, not tired, not confused, not extremely happy, or feeling peaceful or anything. i just feel normal.

i guess im not used to feeling normal. i keep thinking that im gonna think something that will lead me to feeling something which will then lead to doing something, whether good or bad. in the next moment.

nope. feeling perfectly normal. wonder how long this will last???